Sweet... Her kisses are sweet. Maybe not the flavor of sweet, but the sensation. The engulfment of dopamine. Drugs are addictive, coffee is addictive, anything sweet is addictive, She is addictive. Addiction and obsession are very similar things, you concentrate all efforts on a particular thing, except one of these you can't control. Sporadic or constantly you desire a specific... interest, you pursue and pursue until it's obtained, and even then, you want more of it. Or, you can just loose you're addiction and never have to come back to it, except most do. This is a good kind of addiction, I'm not scratching myself or going behind a bathroom stall at 11:28 kind of addiction, no, I just have... a longing.
She probably doesn't understand me, my thought pattern, my actions, just me in general. She doesn't understand I've forgiven her, and the past is the past, doesn't understand that not only is she the most beautiful girl in the world, but that she's the reason I get up in the morning, brush my teeth, and go to school. It's not because I'm excited to learn some more bull shit, talk to people who's names I probably won't remember in 3 years, and have constant reminders of how awkward I am, no, it's because every day I get see her hyped up on caffeine or sleepy face, I get to roam the school on miniature expeditions, I get to feed my addiction.
There's something though, like my chest is being engulfed, but not in a good way. When I try to talk to her, a dam blocks the flow of thought in my brain, I can't think, only stare, waiting for something to go wrong. I'm not saying I desire a wrongful event to happen, it's the last possible thing I'd want, but I can't help but feel it's coming, lurking , waiting silently, no movement, no sound, like a tiger stalking it's prey, it waits still vulnerability, when the kill is eminent, then it strikes. Without warning, without guilt, it latches onto the victim, and no matter how hard the victim tries, no matter their effort, the tiger will always prove victorious over its weak, feeble prey. I wish I didn't think this, didn't believe it, and sometimes I don't, but when the thought occurs, it latches, like a parasite, and won't go until I pry it off or it suckles every last drop.
I never know what thoughts are racing through her mind, what she sees in me, what she thinks about me, her opinion evades me. She doesn't understand why I seemingly always am trying to achieve some form of passionate, physical contact. It's because it's the only way I can at least attempt to comprehend her complicated thought process, it lets me know somewhere, somehow, there is still a form of attraction, on her end of course. Maybe I shouldn't try to deliberately push things too far, it almost feels like I'm forcing her attraction, like I'm forcing this perfect world I've created. It's not even intentional, it's like a primitive instinct comes forth, trying to secure my aspirations, not worrying about hers. But I can never know what she wants, how she feels, what her aspirations are, I always have to conjure up some ridiculous idea, and usually it's not one I'm willing to accept.
I don't think she understands how it feels when she pushes me away, the feeling of rejection, the feeling of someone taking away your desire, the feeling of failure. And in an attempt to consolidate that she has feelings, I try to squeeze it out of her, like getting very bottom of a tube of toothpaste, but no matter how hard I squeeze, it comes up empty. I then resort to emotions, they overwhelm me, maybe not the manliest thing I've ever iterated, and instead of getting any hint on her thoughts, I just look weaker and weaker, soon the tiger will find the perfect moment to attack.
In ways I am like a dog, I'm gross, loyal, easily attached, but most of all I have this constant need of attention. It might have arose due to childhood, or it might be due to... recent events, but I know it's exceptionally hard to achieve these needs of affection from someone so distant. At moment she will break, though extremely rare, they do happen. But it's probably more my fault than hers. I expect too much, I expect this idea of this perfect world, where everything goes my way where I don't need to struggle, where I can confidently believe she loves me back.
What topples everything is my insecurity. It causes me to over analyze situations, to go so deep into my thought that everything becomes black. Unfortunately, the black I that I imagine isn't pitch black, not a black where you can't see, it's an ugly black, a gloomy black, the kind of black that kills. Ideas soon surface, ideas of flaws, ideas of deception, ideas of an eminent attack. This is difficult because I truly do love the girl, no matter how many times she tells me I don't. It's only the matter if she feels the same, she's told me she does, but like a dog, I need a constant form of reassurance, something I can't obtain, not from her...
Possibly there's a reason for her distance, maybe the whispers from the darkness are my allies, maybe I'm just forceful. It's hard, constantly preparing yourself to be broken, so the damage isn't as severe. I hate that I do it, I don't want to, but subconsciously I have to, because so far it's what's always happened. I'm stupid enough to care for something, allow that something to have complete control over my thoughts and actions, then that something uppercuts me into a depressing reality, full of self-loathing and depression, until I meet another something that is able to drag me out of that pit of despair. I need to stop this preparation, I can't fully give myself, when I'm trapped in this battle of emotions, to be timid, safe, and secure, or to fight, struggle, hope, and love. It's a complicated dilemma, to which I probably find an answer to, so I'll wonder in this void, this sort of border, until one side is able to drag me, maybe it will be my reasoning that draws me closer to a side, maybe it will be her actions. Either way, I hope it ends, this void, I hope it ends soon, because I keep going deeper and deeper into my thoughts, and eventually one side will overthrow the other, one force will prevail, and whatever the side, I hope I can accept it, because there's no going back.
