I fucked up... The predicament can best be described as something a friend said to me about it, "you broke your own heart." And that's completely accurate, I threw away the best thing that's ever happened to me, that ever will happen to me. I can get a career, win the lottery, anything, but nothing compares to the moment I had with her. She was my happiness, it all came from her, she glowed, emitting this vast amount of happiness, I never understood why, why she was so happy. It couldn't have been me, I don't make people happy, it's not my nature, but what else was there. She was beautiful, athletic, smart, funny, she was everything I ever wanted in a person, she was perfect in every way.
Too bad, we could've been something, she could've been the one, but that was something I couldn't handle. Love is unpredictable, and what we had, though it was special, was something that wouldn't last. I couldn't spend my whole life with her, no matter how badly I wanted to. I couldn't spend it with her because I didn't love her, I did, do, I couldn't spend it with her because we couldn't do it, people always find a way to hate me, I've never been able to stay in one spot, I'm prone to loosing those I love. I was a whimp, as she calls me, I was the biggest whimp in the world. I was too scared to find out if she was the one, too scared of her breaking me down again. I couldn't let it happen, I needed to stop relying on her for happiness, because eventually she wasn't going to be there anymore, why wait for that to happen...
I wish I would've talked to her that day instead of ignore her. Maybe she could've let me see another way, she's good at giving me hope. I wish I would've realized how much it was going to hurt leaving her, knowing I would never get her back, never be able to hold her, never able to be near her, just throwing away something special.
I'm stuck, I don't know if she'd ever let me back, if she'd ever still be able to love me. I don't know if I want her to love me, I feel horrible, betraying her like that, leading her to believe I don't love her, and having her lose all trust in me. I want her to trust me, to trust I love her, and that never once had I questioned it. I hate myself, as a person, as a boyfriend, she deserves better, and I didn't deserve her. My life is riddled with mistakes, fuckups, loss, she was too good, there had to be a catch, I had to end it before I found out what it was.
Now I don't know whether to regret my decision or embrace it. Should I isolate myself from her, get rid of her, convince myself it's over, or should I fight for her back, show her I love her, never let her go, face my fears, attempt for a future. She's too smart to ever let me back in anyways, she should hate me, she should resent me, she'll never let me back in. So I sit her, floating in a void, I've tried to stop loving her, but it won't work, I always will, even when she stops. I can never do anything right, everything I do, every stupid impulse decision, just leaves me in pain, leaves me in remorse, leaves me in a miserable state of constant thought of Her.
Life's cruel, love's crueler. Life can kill you, eat or be eaten, illness, love, it can kill you from the inside. You get to a point where you drag yourself along, day by day, with only what's troubling you on your mind, in my case it's her. I sit there in class, going through my notebook, every other page has her name, I rip it out, try to rid myself of all reminders, but I can't I love her. So I just sit there, reminiscing, thinking about, if we would've had one, our future. I just sit there, blank expression on my face, no talking, no reality, just me, and her, and my thoughts. This is where love leads you, wanting something you can never have, not again anyways. Is this my future? Just me and my thoughts, my regrets, in constant remorse. I thought I was going to be strong enough for all this bullshit, I didn't think she made me as weak as she does, didn't think I loved her the way I do.
This is all pointless, I should let her go, she should find someone better, someone who can make her laugh, someone that can make her happy, and someone she wants to be with. She shouldn't have ever loved me, all I am is a mistake. No more love for me, no more trying to get her back, no more fighting, the sooner I stop, the sooner she'll lose all feeling for me. This is the only thing I could want, her to leave me, find someone she does deserve, and she should never look back on her mistake, because he's going to be out fucking up everything else in his life, and she shouldn't be a part of that, I love her, Cassidy, I always have, I always will, too bad I don't have a future, because this was the girl I wanted to spend it with.
