Microphone - Luke Hemmings

12. Forgiven

The week-end after the 'crying all my buried emotion on the floor in the coffee shop' episode has proved to be the worst two days. I couldn't stop thinking about everything Luke said to me.

You're so fragile and venerable because you're afraid people will leave you.

All his words kept replaying in my mind over and over again, while I was awake and asleep like a tape stuck on repeat no matter how much you try to stop it, even when you break the whole damn tape player.

You're going to end up alone and even your loser friends won't be able to get you out of it.

It was there constantly reminding me of how true his words were, how his voice held the most truthful description of myself, how I was just a sad lonely little girl playing it tough.

Not everyone is your mom.

At some point I just gave up trying to chase away the thoughts from my head and for the first time in my whole entire life, I sat down all day long, thinking.

I always had something to do, always kept myself busy to avoid thinking.

This time it was inevitable.

So I just sat in my bed, not thinking about the boxing class I was missing or the trash that needed to be taking out, or the homework I had for uni. I just thought about the important things, like what am I doing with myself? WHO THE FUCK AM I?

I sadly could not find a right answer to the latter question because I frankly did not know who I was and I was struggling with the thought that I was already 20 and didn't know that.

For the first time in forever, I actually wanted someone to annoy me. Someone to come into my room and bother the thoughts out of my brain, but everyone seemed out of their mind. Luke didn't show up in the house for the whole weekend and I found myself wishing he would walk into my room, apologize for all the shitty things he has done to me and then assure me that all the things he said about me were actually not true and that he was just joking.

I knew though, that after these things emerged into my mind no one would be able to change my outlook on my pathetic self, not even the person who glued them into my head.

I still wanted him to be here and to talk like he does all the time, so I would spend my time annoyed about what he says and put more effort into not punching him in the face rather than forcing myself to stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks all day.

What has this guy done to me? I've only become aware of his existence a week ago and he has already hit me, got hit by me, made me cry , sang and cuddled with me while drunk and hurt me in every possible way. I hate how much effect he has on me, but I just can't help but think about him all the time. At this point I don't know if I hate him more than anything in the world or that he suddenly became an important part of my life because he made such difference in only 7 days and made me realize some very important things about myself and everything around me.

At this moment I was just too weak to hate him, so I just rationalized for once and realized how right he was and how I should probably apologize to him for being a jerk the other day, that must have been really weird for him to be totally ignored by someone who was just nice to you the day before. I decided in the course of the week end that I will become a nicer and more mature person and that even tough Luke never dignified me with an apology for the things he has done to me I would still apologize to him for being a total asshole.

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Let's say that being nice and mature was the last thing that crossed my mind when I saw Luke Hemmings at my door at 6:15 with training shorts when I was going for a run on Monday. I was just surprised and I stared at him for a long time.