Malignity

AVIDITY|1

  It's often when you're on the very edge of it all that everything suddenly begins to make some kind of sense. Who can tell you that you've misinterpreted the word lust and made it into your own?
Tehlia, the name of a Goddess or at least i'm allowed to say that because the name, of course is my own. I've had these flashbacks of the day I came across my first piece of what felt like love, real love. I was freshly welcomed into High School and ran across plenty of new faces but majority was the same minority from a year earlier same hair, same names, same redundant attitude.

  When I heard her laugh I felt so foolish for thinking that an upperclassmen would ever fall for what you'd call "fresh meat".  Fresh meat, is a complete understatement, considering the fact that half of this class has been attending this school since the seventh grade. Was it a sense of confusion that made me have these feelings in the pit of my stomach about a human the same sex as myself? Or was it the fact that I couldn't resist the urge to befriend her, and inform her that she's not alone? I find myself caring so much that I don't know how not to.

  Care.. Care is a highly over used word. It's stated to mean consideration applied to doing something correctly or whatever that means. But, I was certain that people cared about me. Could they love me correctly? Or carefully? I guess I made myself believe they were. It's been two weeks since Carmen and I started dating. I was happy, or was that word just another understatement? Happiness.. a temporary emotion such as pain from stubbing your toe against that hard ass door frame or sadness caused by the thought of being abandoned by the ones you believed cared.

  Carmen had a fetish for lying. Sounds crazy right? But I accepted it anyway because I knew that she needed someone as wise, and as loving as myself. Hoping that she'd realize there's no need to lie, I decided to let Carmen know she's not alone and she doesn't have to focus so much on her past misfortunes. Being abandoned made her shut her eyes to what's real, but aren't there better ways to move past that other than hurting the one's around you now? Ignorance.. The only way to put it.

  The act of not knowing you're doing something wrong doesn't make it okay just because you don't know you're doing it. My thoughts are too deep for one with a simple look on common ground to comprehend. Questions such as "what's the difference between living and existing?" Cross my mind as if it were a daily task at hand for my own reality.  Carmen, she really opened my eyes to a lot of desolations.