Feelings

Chapter 5: Why?

(THIS TAKES PLACE AFTER THE FOREST EXPEDITION. THIS IS ALL IN BETWEEN NOT DURING EPISODES. PLAY THE VIDEO FOR THE FAN FIC FEELS.)

To all members of the 104th Survey corps.
In an effort to raise moral after the losses suffered during the last expedition, Commander Erwin Smith has issued that all members of the Survey Corps be given one day of holiday for their personal enjoyment. Officers will be given this time to reassess their teams and recruit more members.
May the walls save us all
Erwin Smith
Levi Ackerman

Mikasa read the letter over Annie's shoulder. It took her a moment to process that the holiday was tomorrow, according to the letter. Most everyone was excited and a bit relieved that the officers were not assigning anything for the recruits to do and were instead giving them a pat on the back.

Except, it didn't feel like a pat on the back. It felt like the officials were just saying, "Congrats! You survived! Here's your one free day before we plunge you back into death and blood." Mikasa shook her head. It just didn't make sense. Maybe they didn't intend it that way, but to Mikasa and the rest who survived, it felt exactly that way.

'I better go tell Eren.' Mikasa thought to herself. She doubted he would take the news well.
It was odd not talking to Eren for so long. For as long as she new here half-brother and boyfriend, she didn't understand why he would not come out of his room for three days. Or frankly his cellar. It wasn't like Levi didn't trust him, because Levi could kill Eren without thinking about it, even if Eren turned Titan. In fact, Levi let Eren walk around when ever he wanted to. Just not outside.

Mikasa left the tent and walked out into the open air. It was really eerie how almost no one was there in the caravan of tents. Even though the sun was an hour away from its peak in the sky, the campgrounds around the Survey Corps. headquarters was very dark. Tent flaps moved in the wind, there were no sounds except the sounds from the inside of the tent she just left. She started thinking as she walked down the beaten path between the tents and the castle. She wondered how Eren was, how he felt after the forest expedition. Then she wondered how they felt about each other, because of how Levi described to Eren how "Mikasa saved your sorry ass." She knew his pride was hurt, because he had failed to capture the female titan and Mikasa had to save him from whatever the female titan was trying to accomplish by taking him.

Mikasa sighed and rolled her neck while she walked past the double doors of the castle.

The inside of the Castle was even eerier than the empty camp. No lights were on, save for Erwin Smith's office light. Mikasa navigated as best as she could using the sunlight from the many windows to aid her path to the stairs. She slowly walked down the stairs, until she saw the faint glow of the cellar light illuminate the bottom steps.

'They left... the door open?' Mikasa asked to herself. The door creaked open as she pushed her way into the crack of the open door.

The first thing that her as she walked in, was the smell. There was a lingering smell of sweat and something else. Bittersweet.

The second thing that she noticed was a crumpled body on the floor.

Eren

She quickly bent next to his body and checked his pulse. He was alive. Then he moved.

Using his elbows to support his body, he half raised, half dragged himself up to sit next to Mikasa. He kept his head bent and didn't even look at her or acknowledge her existence. His long hair was plastered to his forehead, and hung at his neck, hiding his eyes from hers.

Mikasa sat down, facing Eren.

'Please say something.' Mikasa thought. 'Anything.'

Silence.

"...Eren?" Mikasa asked timidly.

....

Eren didn't respond. He pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. Mikasa knew what this meant. Eren did this whenever bullies punished him and Mikasa had to save him. It was a position that tried to hide his embarrassment. His hurt pride. Shame.

Mikasa decided to ignore him and instead looked around the cellar. His clothes laid in a pile in the corner, next to a rope and something else. Something that shined in the corner. Mikasa stood up and walked towards the corner. Eren made a move as if to stop her, but then sat back in his position and huddled inwardly. Mikasa pretended not to notice and walked over to the corner.

She saw the shiny thing again and picked it up. It was a bottle.

'Oh walls, please no...' Mikasa thought out loud. She put her nose over the bottled and smelled the liquid. It was Sake or at least what was left of it.

She looked again into the corner and saw more bottles. She counted twenty in total, all looked the same and all were empty.

She walked back over to Eren. Her mind was flooded with emotions. She could feel tears brimming at her eyes, anger burning up her heart, and most of all, hopelessness. She wanted to hug Eren and tell him that everything was all right but all she could bring herself to do was cry like a child. She sat down with a thud, shedding tears as she landed.

"Alchohol...?" Mikasa whimpered at him. "This is your way of getting through grief?"

....

"Talk to me please."

....

"Please..?"

Eren shook his head slowly side to side.

"Fine." She whispered. "If won't you snap out of it, you can go to hell."

"...You say that as if I had a choice." A tiny, hoarse, voice responded from the long locks of hair.

"But why Eren? Why alcohol, why so introverted?" She pleaded.

No response. Mikasa did the only thing she could think of.

SMASH

Mikasa broke the bottle she held against the ground, surprising both herself and Eren. Eren jumped a little and finally showed his wide, green eyes through his hair. They were blood shot and irritated. Bags hung under his eyes, plum purple. He was so pale and looked scared out of his skin.

Mikasa stared into his eyes and he stared back, startled. Then the most unexpected thing happened.

One drop, then two drops ran down his cheeks to rest at his chin. His whole body shook, hiccuping. He couldn't look her in the eye, so he looked away, unwilling to have her see him like this. He was now sobbing uncontrollably, pressing his hands into his face.

"Eren..." Mikasa said, placing her right hand on his head.

Eren mumbled something in his hands.

"What?" Mikasa was no longer crying. Her cries dried up into sniffles.

"I could have saved them. All of them. If only I had transformed sooner."

"No Eren..."

"You know what the worst part about this is?"

...

"Hanji says my metabolism is four times the speed as a normal human. In other words..." His voice faded off into more tears.

"You can't get drunk..." Mikasa finished for him. His head nodded under her hand and then he shook his head.

"I can't forget them. All the people that died because I didn't transform sooner."

"Shh shhh..." Mikasa pet his head as he wallowed in pain and grief. She scooted over and wrapped her arm around his head. He moved his hands from his face to her back as he buried his face into her shoulder.
Why? Why must the good die young? Why must the living remember the good? Mikasa thought. She pondered her questions in her head and then came up with an answer.

Because we must remember what we are fighting for.

I'm so sorry that this chapter was a bit shorter than others. I felt like a change in pace was needed for the story to progress. What do you think should happen next? Type up in the comments below and enjoy the feels of this short, emotional chapter!