Matters of the heart

Digging deeper

since the holidays were over i had to return home to california. it was very upsetting since i miss her so much. it was hard saying goodbye but i know i'll see her again really soon. after all, i have her email so we can talk and a picture of her to admire whenever i think of her.

i don't go to normal school. i stay at home and do online school. i find it better for me than waking up so early to drive somewhere to learn. plus sometimes i can get attitudes with teachers now and then. i couldn't help but miss eri. whenever i get a chance i take a break and send her emails while staring at her picture. i wanted to know if she felt the same way for me as i do for her. the sad thing is i'm not there with her to try and get it out of her. so i decided to do some digging.

i remembered her friend lexi. shes one of eris's best friends and knows alot about her. i was able to get her email when i was still in georgia with eri. i emailed her asking to help me out. of course she said yes because she thinks my feelings for eri and our whole relationship was cute.

every time i email lexi, i'm asking about eri. i even start talking to her like a friend so things won't be awkward and so she dosen't think i'm using her or something. lexi is actually pretty cool. she told me that eri was falling for me and that i needed to give her time.

i have known eri for almost a year and we been dating for not too long but long enough for me to say i love her. i know it is weird for her and that her heart has issues where it's hard for her to trust or love someone back. but, i'm giving her time.

every now and then i would catch myself writing love poems about eri. some of them i would even send to her. i use my allowance to buy eri gifts to remind her of me. necklaces, bracelets, earrings, roses, and even a ring. i even bought her a bear for valentines day. i know how much she loves furry stuffed animals. i even found myself dreaming of her. i even had nightmares of her falling in love with another guy. or cheating on me with a bunch of guys. i needed to know how she felt about me before i go crazy.

i keep telling eri i love her but she hasn't told me how she felt about me yet. sure she says she cares about me and that she likes me alot but she never said that she loves me. i would ask my friends what to do but they all say the same thing. "give her time".

one day when i was talking to eri, she told me about some guy who was starting to like her and how she might start liking him back. it was a nightmare come true. she told me how he's a friend of hers because she helped him with some kind of problem and how they started to talk to each other alot. i couldn't stand it. it seemed like this guy is stealing her away from me.

i kept trying to find diffrent things to do to keep me from thinking of eri and that guy. i kept practicing my karate non stop. i even signed up for new stuff like piano and surfing. i started jogging in the morning and walking at night. i was trying to not think about the situation with eri but i couldn't help it. she invaded my mind. i reached a point where i couldn't take it anymore.

this is where i made my mistake.... i decided to write an email telling her how i felt about her and this guy. i even mentioned her being with other guys. i called her a bunch of horrible names and said she was being a garden tool by making me feel this way and that i hated her for it. after i got all of my anger out, i decided to delete the message. but i wasn't paying attention since my friends were calling me so i accidentally hit send. after i hit sent i immeadiatly regreted it. it didn't take her too long to reply to it either. i could tell she was hurt because in her reply, she broke up with me.

my heart was cracked. i kept reading it over and over. she said that i was being a jerk and i was bein horrible and if that's how i felt then she's ending our relationship. i sent her tons of replies saying sorry and that i didn't mean to send the email. i felt so stupid. i should have never written it in the first place. she wouldn't listen to me though. she hardly talked to me. i felt horrible.