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fourth

Exactly one month, Harry was gone for one month now. I missed him every Minute, every Second and i secretly hoped, that he just walked into my room and that his death only was a nightmare.

But i know it was real, because something was missing. His goodmorning or goodnight texts, his awkward knock knock jokes that really weren't that funny, but i laughed nevertheless because he enjoyed it so much. The fact that when he walked into class, he got the attention of literally everyone, because he had such an radiant appearance. Our PlayStation or Xbox nights, were we played till the early morning and had so much fun.

Our soccergames together, even if Harry didn't like soccer that much, he played with me because he knew how obsessed i am with it.

I missed everything about him. Just his Presence around me. That i knew he was there when i need someone to talk to or if i just needed company. Harry was always there for me, and i appreciated this so much because thats what friends are for right?

I missed his voice, his hugs, the things he did to make me smile, his laugh. Yes it was the brightest laugh in the world and could make my day better. The fact that when we had a sleepover and got ready in the morning, he always asked me what to wear and when i told him he just grinned and wore the other option i hadn't chosen.

I love him and ever will, it will be hard for me to get over him and find someone else. But do i even want to get over him? Do i want to love someone else than him?

No.

He was the most perfect man in the world, and he will always have the first place in my heart.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

I often dreamt of Harry, but i remembered the first time where it felt very different. It felt so real, like i was really with him, if he was still there right beside me. Maybe this sounds weird but i could feel his warmth, his skin & even could smell him. 

It felt so real, that i woke up on the next day and wasn't sure anymore if this was a dream or happened in real life. But when i saw the frame with an Picture of him next to a candle on my nightstand, I started crying.

"I miss him so much, why is he gone. Why didn't i tell him what he means to me."

My thoughts were running crazy and i was so mad at myself, i wanted to scream & beat something. I never felt like this before. I had so much Aggression inside me.

Then i couldn't remember what happened next, but i found myself laying on the floor. My face was still wet bc it seems like i cried really hard. Next to me, were glass splitters of my mirror, when i looked around the room, i realized that my hand was full with blood. I hit my mirror and it shattered. But the most confusing thing  for me was, that i can't remember what i did.

It was so quite, seemed like my parents weren't home. But what do i expect ? They don't even care about me at all. I walked to the bathroom to clean my wound. Then i cleaned my room that my mum wouldn't see the glass shatters and ask me what i did.

My parents are literally at work the whole day, i think the last time i had a proper conversation with them, was two years ago or something. I ever had to be very independent, had to make my own decisions and everything. But secretly i wished that we were like a normal family, who had long conversations, eating dinner together, going out to do something. Just like everyone else did, but we hadn't.

Harry was my only friend, and now since he died, no one was there, who i could talk to, go out and had fun with.

❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁

At the beggining i had the same dream over and over again. I remember, it was the situation when Anne called me to tell me that Harry passed away. And every night again i woke up, sweaty but cold and afraid to fall asleep again.

But suddenly the dreams changed. But it still felt so real, i never had an experience like this before. I felt like i could start a whole new life with him in my dreams. And so did i. To be honest i never wanted to wake up again.

In Louis dreams

"Heeeey Lou!" I heard Harry's voice when i took my phone up. I blushed by the deep sound and my heart started to race. "H- hi Harry, what's up?" I answered shily.

"Do you wanna come over and play some Fifa?" he asked.
"Course i'll be there in 10 min" i answered quickly and took my phone away.

I never really cared how i look like around Harry, but since i felt for him like that i always tried to look extra good. So i took a quick shower, styled my hair with some gel to the side and put on my clothes. Classic black skinny jeans, black vans and my favourite adidas tank top. It showed my tattoos on my arms and also a little bit of my chest tattoo. Maybe Harry would fell for this, at least i hoped that.

A few minutes later, Harry opened the Door and of course he looked breathtaking like always. He was wearing a grey sweatpants and his Packers Sweater. He looked so damn cuddly, i just wanted to lay in his arms forever.

We played Xbox for a few Hours but it was hard for me to concentrate on the Game. I only had eyes for Harry.

"I need to tell him how i feel!"
This is what i thought the whole time, but at the same time i was too scared. In a way i hoped he could make the first step, but i knew this will never happen. Maybe i just need to try it out? But this could ruin our friendship.
I was so confused, i didn't know how to feel. It depressed me and i was mad at myself. I just was too shy and anyway too ugly for such a beautiful Human like Harry. We played Fifa till the early mornings and then i didn't remember anything anymore. But when i woke up, i was laying on the sofa, with a blanket over me and Harry was laying next to me. My heart was raising because Harry was still asleep. I thought of giving it a try and cuddled myself onto his body. He was laying with his back to me so i had to be the big spoon. He's much taller than me but i didn't mind. It felt so comfy, he was so warm and cuddly, i never wanted to leave this, it felt like home.

Reality

When my alarm rang i felt like everything crashed into a million pieces. I just wanted to sleep forever, to dream of Harry again and live in this dream world.