Suicide and Self-harm

Jamie

When I was young 7 or so I could tell my mother was diffrent from other mothers, she seemed so disconnected from the world around her and from me, id watch as the other mothers would play and laugh with there kids while mine just set there and consumed her substance of the day, I never new what she was going to take or smoke or drink next or even do for that matter. She is a alcoholic and smokes cigarettes like there going out of style, she is really skinny " can't think of the word I'm so sorry" I was born two mouths early even after they gave her meds to keep me in there, I was 3 pounds 12 oz and the reason why is because she done crack and cocain when I was in her or and drank a lot and smoked a lot of what ever her addiction was for that day or week, I don't know my father but she said He is in prison for some unknown reason. I battle depression I use to cute myself but I don't no more it helps me to just read books and think of what my life could be like if I was them, and I sleep walk bad I've always it was myself trying to get away from its self but the doctor say its from stress, and yes I've tryed killing myself with peanut butter as well. My sisters use to beat me up when I was little in are old house we had a small hallway they would trap me in and just beat the mess out of me they've even tryed to kill me by pouring papper down my throut " can't spell that sorry". If my mother found out I was calling her mother she would slap me she makes up call her mom because of that movie mother dearest that mother beat her kids with a clothes hanger, to me she reminds me of mom but id never say that to her face, if I did she would prob beat me to death and leave me somewhere to die, out of sight out of mind I guess. She has kicked me out about 7 times.
When I was 9 to whe I was 14, I would have no where to go but my grandmas she is the only person that's ever been there for me I mean EVER, after my step dad found out she was sleeping with everyone for crack He left and me and my sister was there with are cracked out mom and she would leave for weeks at a time to go who know where and stay with who know because she had no job my step dad was paying all the bills and buying food. me and my sister would have to go to our friends house and or grandmas to live but if she found out we would leave she would slap us around, well me really because she loved bobbie my sister and my other sister moved out with her boyfriend while this was going on, around when I was 7 my mom would invite random guys over for who knows what and the day came where she let her "friend" babie sit my and bobbie at my step dads land, this guy would walk around nude and while bobbie was playing up the hill on day while we was over there with him He molestaded me and everytime we would go over there He would do that and make me do stuff to him. And yes I told my mother she just told the guy to leave like they got in a fight or something just so calm. After that i never talked much and i was always have bad dreams and space out really bad and i still do just not as bad. I use to be really bad on pills and drink when i was 13 and i did until i was 17 but i told myself i dont want to be like mom and ive never done any of that again and now I'm 21 I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful man He is 22 and I've known him since I was 6 He know everything about me even my ups and downs and when that man hurt me when I was 7 He never stopped trying to talk to me or be my friend when when everyone else stopped. I just resently found that guy that hurt me on that sex offened list and his name is david and He raped his sisters little girl not even a mouth after my mom told him to leave, I just think that would have been me if He stayed around that would have.
Been me but it was not, I still think about that guy almost everyday and I still see his face and that smile He had on when He would do that stuff to me. And I live with my grandma now she has cancer that can not be cured and I'm taking care of her she is 85 she has alstimers "can spell that sorry" and can't remember she is sick and I don't reminder her because who would want to be upset all the time, so me and her have a great time out at her house, she took care of me when I needed her so I'm doing the same and I love her so much.

So that's my life story a lot I left out like id get called names by my mom and sisters and that my step dad had a stroke and is suffering from that thing you get ftom after war I forgot what it is called well it is 4:22 am here I could not sleep again so I decided to write you. You can write my story how you want I won't get mad, take the info and use it how you wish, I hoped this helped you and your hard ships, it did help me to write it out though I was afraid to even write what that man did to me but I wrote it and I do feel kinda better. Thank you reading what I wrote and I look forward to hearing from you and I look forward to seeing my life written out for you and I don't mind if you say my name in it my is Jamie Stone, its ok if you say this is the story of Jamie Stone, do what you have to do and you can dedacate it to me as well it don't matter. ~Jamie~

So I decided to leave this as is and I am amazed .