the tears haven't stopped since I crawled into my bed, my safe haven. I know I need to quit, I know I need to quit a lot of things. I need to stop hoping that every time by phone buzzes it's you. I need to stop caring who you're with, because it's not me. it never will be. lately it's harder to feel anything, I've been putting all my feelings onto the back burner for quite some time. I refuse to let them resurface. I don't tell anyone. I don't ask for help, or advice. I sit alone because it's where I belong. I never fit in anywhere, but when I'm alone, I feel oddly comfortable now. I know no one can tell me anything when I'm alone. no one can hurt me, or make me cry. only I can do that. only I can replay everything from tonight & shallow myself out. I wish I was the girl by his side, the one to make him laugh, the one to see him smile, the one that made him happy, but I'm not. & I need to accept it. I need to learn that all suffering comes from desire. that I could've prevented all this pain. it's just so much easier with someone or something to blame. it sounds better to you when you say someone else made you do it, but we're all in control of ourselves. yes my heart is broken, my spirit is no where to be found. Monday is just another round of fake smiles to convince not only the people around me, but myself as well, that I'm okay. because I need to be. I'm tired of being sad. I just want to love myself & be happy like so many beautiful girls do. right now I wish I was just her.
