A Guide to Being Super

Rule #1

Rule #1: Have a cool origin story. Every superhero has one: it's what they put in the first comic book about you, it's what they talk about at the beginning of every episode of your TV show, and it's what you'll be known for. It's not just what you do, it's where you came from.

I think we can all agree that everything bad that happened after I became a superhero can be blamed on Ike. And I think we can all agree that everything good that happened can be attributed to me (you see that use of attributed there? Yeah, I paid attention in AP English). I mean, after all, it was Ike's fault that I got powers in the first place and I was the reason things didn't go too horribly after that (meaning the world didn't end, you're welcome for that).

So I'm sure some of you are asking, why was it Ike's fault? This Ike guy, whoever he is, doesn't seem like a horrible guy. He just seems like a guy. So how could he be responsible for the almost end of the world? That's because he wasn't. He, instead, was responsible for me almost ending the world (notice the almost).

You see, on the day I got my powers I was supposed to meet Ike for a movie. We were having a sort of guy's day (as you can probably guess, Ike is my best friend) since it was a Saturday and snowing but not snowing enough to do anything actually fun. But Ike decided to stand me up and be completely lame. He never did explain to me exactly why he stood me up, I guess I never asked, but I wasn't about to just go home. I had walked all the way to the theater, it was cold, and I could smell the popcorn from the street so I wasn't giving up on my movie dreams. So I bought a ticket for the new Tom Cruise action movie from the sullen (and possibly high) girl in the box office and made my way to the theater.

Unsurprisingly, there was no one else in there (Tom Cruise isn't as young as he used to be). I settled into my seat in the middle of the theater with my popcorn between my knees as the lights dimmed. Some couple, one that didn't seem to interested in the movie, if you know what I mean, came in as the previews started but I paid them no attention. In hindsight, I probably should have paid them some attention but as a general rule I avoided looking at couples.

About halfway through the movie, which was just as you might expect, when some idiot in spandex and a cape came bursting in. It was Daring Dan, one of our local superheroes. But unlike Batman or Superman or one of those actually cool superheroes, Daring Dan was a bumbling idiot. Actually, all of our heroes in Cytropolis were idiots. Maybe some of them were not completely horrible but Daring Dan was not one of them.

Anyway, Dan burst in with all the elegance and grace of a ugly duckling and started shooting bursts of electricity (they're hard to describe, picture that he's shooting burst of lightning) at the guy who was sitting with his girlfriend. I half expected the guy to piss his pants and run off, he seemed like that kind of guy, but instead he got up and started shooting lasers at Dan. Anyone who knows anything about the heroes of Cytropolis knows who that was: Laser Linus. Also known as Daring Dan's equally bumbling and equally idiotic nemesis. Linus was so pathetic he couldn't even get his clothes off to reveal his (too small) spandex. The only reason Dan (who was smarter, but only slightly) hadn't gotten rid of him already was because Linus had better aim than Dan.

As soon as this fight started up, I was gathering my things to sneak out the back. There was no reason I had to stand here while these guys tried to outwit each other when they had no real wit to begin with. But then I was caught in a tractor beam of distraction as the woman who had come with Linus stood up. And no, I was not distracted because she was attractive (not even close). But damn she was loud.

Her name was Yolanda, I learned later. She had been going out with Linus for years (not that either of them were happy about it). But Yolanda was known for not wanting anyone than her to hurt Linus. She was constantly interjecting in his different fights in the most inappropriate ways. And as soon as she saw Daring Dan walk in, who pissed her off more than any of the other heroes, she immediately started yelling and throwing her arms all over the place. It was so distracting I completely forgot about leaving; she went from yelling to pouting and back again like ten different times in the span of about two minutes