The Night I Forgot

Chapter 16

My hopes for peaceful sleep, well I can just through that idea out the window. It's 2 am and I still haven't even came close to falling asleep yet. I just sit her in my bed daydreaming. I fantasize about the day in the pool and how intense that day turned out. I remembered the sweet text I would expect every morning to make me happy all through the day. I think about the way I felt so comfortable around him. I thought about how I strangely cuddled with him, the only person I ever cuddled. The way I kissed him when he was 'asleep'. The urgency that smoldered between us with each kiss. And now because of my Stupid reactions I have lost all the memories we had and the ones we were going to make.

That's all I have thought about all night long. That is what I am thinking about now. And that's what I'll probably be thinking about for roughly......the rest of my life. I'll spend my now worthless life thinking of what could've been.

I want him back. I need him back, but I know I can't do that. He even told me to my face he didn't want to see me again... EVER. Oh but I want him. With all my heart. Thinking back on my decisions I made I realize I was irrational. I acted on impulse and now I have to live through the effects. My fault. I know.

I try to play a few games on my phone, but launching birds at towers aren't helping. Plus I never really was good at Angry Birds. I try to play a load of different games. I try watching a movie on Netflix, but that didn't seem to get my mind off of him either. It was completely useless.

I want him back!!! I need to get over it though. He said he didn't wanna see me. Plus being married just didn't work for me. I reealllyy liked him, but I was sane enough to know I wasn't involved enough with him to marry him.

So this is how my life will be from now on. Trying to distract myself from the biggest mistake of my life. Sounds just fun!

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When it reaches six, I just give up on sleeping and to to the bathroom for my morning routine. Pee. Brush my teeth. Take a shower. Comb my hair.

It's a about seven after I'm done. I walk down the stairs to cook me some breakfast, though it will never be as good as Blake's was. Gosh! Everything reminds me of him.

I cook me some toast, grits, and bacon. Sitting at the table, I depressingly eat my Not so perfect breakfast. Then after I'm done I push my paper plate aside, lay my head on the table, and cry. That's been happening a whole bunch lately. I was so used to feeling weak now. It's been only about a week and a half since I asked him to sign the divorce papers. I feels like it's been a few years, but this is only the beginning.

I do need to start getting some sleep though. I have had bags under my eyes for a week now. They make me look puffy and ugly. I really don't care though. Who do I have to impress? No one!

I wipe away my tears, close my eyes, and count to ten. Then I wipe all

of my problems away. Well, at least I try.. That technique has actually been working. I let myself melt down but once I get to number ten it has to stop. And it does.

Except for once it didn't. The third day after he had signed the papers I found something. The past few days had been rough so I never really thought to take off my wedding ring. That day I saw it and I think I could've cried a whole fucking ocean that day. The tears never stopped. I'd just sat there and balled my eyes out. Scrunching up into a ball and letting my feelings tear at my heart. The ring had gotten to me. I had counted to ten but that had just made me cry more. That was the only time it didn't work.

Now it worked. I pulled myself together and made my way back up to my room. I threw myself on my bed and just layer there. My eyes were closed, but I wasn't sleeping. I just simply rested. Not as good as sleeping but good nonetheless.

It was about 10 when I 'woke'. This day was just dragging on. And to think! Tomorrow was Sunday! Another day of hopeless daydreaming and pathetic crying. No sleeping and cheesy iPhone games. Yay!

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I lay in my bed that night reading the messages between me and Blake days ago. Before everything fell apart. I smile at some of his cheesy ones. And laugh at some of his sarcastic ones. Tear up at some of his sweet ones.

I shut the phone and sigh. I wish that was us still. No use in getting my hopes up though.

I sleep. It's very refreshing but not even good enough to compare to sleeping with Blake. But still it's sleep.

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My day Sunday was just like the day before. Boring and depressing. I did sleep again though. I'm getting used to this 'no Blake' thing. Atleast that's good.

But now I'm at school. I decided I'd actually go to the lounge today. I didn't see his car in the parking lot so I think he isn't here. Yes. I looked for his car....

"Hey Carla." I say to the short red headed girl sitting at the table eating Chinese take out.

"Hey. How have you been lately? I've seen you, and you looked.....down." She was at a loss of words at the end.

"Just a break up. I'm getting over it though." I say with a fake smile.

Just then a door slammed. Reeeeaallly hard. I get up to go see who in the world slammed the door like that only to see no one at all. I open the door, look down the hall, and see Blake pacing angrily.

"Hey..?" I say awkwardly, wondering why he just came and slammed the door only to walk back out again.

"Hey." He says angrily.

"What's wrong with you." I say with a little attitude, but hey! he had attitude when he slammed the door.

"Nothing." He says menacingly. "Why don't you just go back in and talk with Carla about how much you're getting over me!" He yelled.

My jaw dropped. It stayed like that until he burst out the hall, and slammed that door too.

He had heard? Well. I guess that's good. Right? That means that he knows better to not think I still like him. But I do! Sooooo much! And him slamming the door at hearing that must mean he feels the same way I really do.

That oughta help me not think about him tonight. No. Not at all!