Summer's Last Breath

Part 46

I had known before I opened my eyes my baby was gone. I had known before I saw my mom standing by the window of my hospital room that she didn't make it. I didn't need my mom to tell me. I didn't need her to turn and set her despairing eyes on me to know. The weight of the truth hung in the room. I felt Lyla's absence with every breath I took. I was empty. I was hollow. I'd lost everything.

"Mom," I said, my throat scratchy and raw from grief. From screaming. From crying.

"Hey, sweetheart." She came over and sat in the chair beside my bed and took my hand. "How are you feeling?"

I shook my head slowly. I wasn't sure I knew. I'd felt nothing but terror since I'd woken up and screamed Noah's name. The hours after he'd carried me into the hospital were a haze of pain and continued heartbreak. How was I still alive? How was I even still breathing? The rattling in my chest was never going to go away. "She's gone, isn't she?"

"Yes, honey. I'm so sorry."

My eyes burned with tears that never fell and looking at my hands I weakly asked, "Why?"

Why was Jamie gone? Why take the only thing I had left of him? Why not take me too? What happened to my happy life?

"They're not sure." She stroked my hair. "There are tests available to find out more if you choose to do that but that's not something you need to worry about right now. You need to rest."

"She wasn't.... she looked okay, didn't she?" I'd been so out of it once it was over, they'd taken her away and I'd collapsed, exhausted and emotionally depleted.

"Yes," she said around a bittersweet smile. "Ten fingers, ten toes. Perfect."

But not perfect. She'd been dead. She'd never taken her first breath. And then I felt ashamed that I would have even asked such a question. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'd let other people's fears shape my own. Fearing maybe she was something less than human, a freak of nature.

"She was all I had left of him."

"No, honey that's not true. You have your memories of him. You have the love he had for you. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll find comfort in those things eventually."

"Is dad here?"

"Yes. So is Noah. He and Lara will want to see you when you're up for it."

"She'll hate me now," I said unable to squash the guilt, the overwhelming sense of failure assaulting me. I was strong. I was healthy. Why had my body failed? I must have done something wrong. Didn't I love her enough? Did I love him too much?

"No, she won't. She's concerned for you."

"I don't want to see them yet." I might not ever be ready to face her disappointment. And Noah. God, I didn't deserve someone as good as Noah in my life.

"You don't have to do anything but rest and feel better."

"Can I see her? Can I hold Lyla?"

"Oh honey, are you sure you want to?"

"Yes." I swallowed, and my mom poured me a cup of water from the pitcher that sat by my bed. The cool water didn't ease the scratchiness in my throat. I'd screamed. I remembered that. I remembered the looks on the faces of the doctor and the nurses when I'd finally pushed my baby from my body. I remembered my mom squeezing my hand. The tears coursing down her cheeks.

Once she took the cup from me and set it down, I met her gaze. "I didn't get to tell Jamie goodbye."

I thought it would take longer for them to bring her to me. I thought I'd have more time to prepare, but it seemed only minutes after my mom left to inform the nurses I wanted to see my baby that she was back. Soon after she returned, a nurse came into the room, holding a bundle in her arms. The nurse placed that tiny bundle in my hands, and it was like holding an angel. I thought of the sea star and the day Jamie and I had returned it to the Deep. Lyla was like that sea star; a piece of magic, a miracle I couldn't keep.

"She's beautiful," my mom whispered.

And she was. Perfect and so small I could have held her in one hand.

I gazed into the face of my baby girl and what was left of my heart shattered, and then blessedly I didn't feel anything at all.