My thoughts part 1

My life in a nut shell part 1

I hurt when I see you with him.
Is this jealousy I'm feeling?
My thoughts of you two together.
Ha! That's my dark place.
I'm really greedy when it comes to you.
I want you all to myself.
But I'm scared I might ruin things between us.
All I want is for these painful feelings to go away.
I'm tired and I just want to sleep.
Should I tell you my feelings?
No.
I'll just sit quietly in the background and watch over you like I always do.
Can I be happy with you by my side and no one else?
I guess not...
Will you ever notice my feelings?
Not a chance.
You're too busy thinking only of your fiancée.
It's a sin for me to be who I am.
Falling in love with my big sisters best friend... A girl at that.
Why am I even here?
I'll just be pulled blindly by my love.
Maybe I should just give up.
Tried that.
Maybe I should just branch off from you.
You won't let me do that again.
Why do you keep me so close when you know I'm not the straightest person on earth?
Is there more meaning to us acting our couples?
Surely not.
It's just for fun...
I hurt.
I'm tired.
I'm jealous.
I can't let you know.
I'll just suffer alone like normal.
When I'm with you I feel happy and myself.
But when he comes along my world fades to blacks and grays.
I've never felt like this about anyone before.
I may say that a lot about the people I'm with but this is different.
I'm sure.
Please.
Please help me escape these suffocating feelings.
My chest hurts all the time.
I play it off as an anxiety attack.
Or I'll just say I'm fine.
I feel numb and shaky at the same time.
All I can do is cry to myself.
I'm done.
I can't deal with it anymore.
I want it to stop.
You'll never return my feelings.
For one you are straight.
For two you are engaged.
For three you only see me as my sisters little sister...
I know I'm being selfish when I think of these things...
But I can't help it.
I don't want to help it.
Don't look at me like that.
Like that of a little sister.
It hurts.
Don't act the couples with me and not mean it.
It hurts.
Please stop talking about him around me.
It hurts.
I don't want to hear of the family you'll make with him...
It hurts... A lot.
When I see you two together... I see a perfect couple.
It makes me tear up.
I will never have that with you.
I told you I cut for a different reason than what I really do it for.
I cut because of my pain I feel about you two.
Please don't hold that against me.
Don't hate me for these sinful thoughts.
It's what I feel.
It confuses me.
Why you?
Why someone who is meant to be married to her lover?
Why was I born to be sinful?
I question my life all the time.
What are you doing right now?
Probably "playing" with him before work.
Being lovers.
I'll just stay in your shadow.
Forever unnoticed.
I have wishful thinking that someday you'll turn your beautiful eyes towards me with love.
*Chuckles* like I said.
Wishful thinking.
I always get my hopes up.
When we act and you breathe next to my face... my heart stops.
When you cuddle into me or the other way around... I feel like it's natural.
This could all be my heart yearning for love so young.
I'm not surprised.
More like I hate it.
I don't want to be like this.
Maybe I should end it?
No... I could never really do it.
I'm happy just being close to you when I can.
I'll wait for the day when I'm not needed anymore.
Waiting...
Waiting..
Waiting.
When?
Why won't you let me be how I was?
Am I really important to you like how I want it to be? Or is it because I'm your friend and best friends little sister?
When I look through your eyes... I see a deep hidden pain from your past.
All the things you tell me is just a small portion of how you really feel.
I may not have gone through what you have but I can relate to a degree.
I love the feeling of you close to me.
Man I sound like a freak.
But it's who I am.
A freak.
A walking sin.
A nobody.
Whatever.
I'm used to these alien feelings.
Or I should be.
I used to be numb all the time and in my own world.
But that all changed when we grew closer.
Why did we have to get closer?
Why?!
I knew from the first time we really hung out just the two of us that my world would change.
I would change.
Now I want to change back.
For good.
I'll be fine.
I'm always fine.
I'll be fine till the day I end my own life.
Then I'll be free from the pain I feel in my heart.
When you have a family of your own will you forget about me?
I'm scared.
I don't want to be alone.
I want you here with me.
Promise?
Haha people always promise things.
They never keep them.
Don't get my hopes up.
Remember how I always say you look fine?
I love everything about you.
The way you look.
The way you speak.
The way you walk.
How smart you are.
How you have goals for yourself.
How even though you say you're not a nice person you still are there for me...
How is that not nice?
It makes me feel loved.
Believe it or not.
When you cut I get pissed.
I have no room to talk because I do it too.
But I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself...
I will say.
I'll love you even when you are scarred or you hate me.
I want to be there for you.
When you are happy.
Sad.
Pissed.
Alone.
Confused.
In your own world.
I may not be able to talk about it very well but I'll listen.
I love watching every face you make.
Or how you feel when you play the guitar.
I want to be that person that is there for you when you need someone.
But you already have him...
That won't stop me from helping in the background.
I don't want you to feel alone when people aren't around.
I'll be there by your side.
I want to do anything I can to get your attention but I must be silent.
Is this Gods way of testing me?
Is this his way of punishing me for sinning?
Will he make it worse the closer we get?
Please don't take her laugh away from me.
Please don't take her smile away from me.
I don't understand what he has in store but I don't know if I have the strength.
Will you be my strength?
Or will you be my downfall?
I guess time will only tell.
I'll leave it off with one more thing to say...

I love you.