The Life Of Trans Phan

Asexual! Dan

After a long day filled with boring, yet nessasary, meetings with every company you can think of, editing three different videos for their gaming channel and stuffing down their lunch so they could get on with filming another video; Dan and Phil were finally in bed. Together, in fact, something that hadn't been possible for a couple of nights. Whenever Dan stayed up late editing, he'd sleep in his own room so he didn't disturb Phil's sleep.

Phil's lips were on Dan's, moving softly yet with an ever increasing speed. Dan loved this, Phil's kisses, but he was starting to enjoy it less and less as his hand wondered underneath his teeshirt, moving across his soft chest. He shifted uncomfatably, trying not to let Phil know that he wasn't enjoying this. He knew Phil wanted to sleep with him, he had since they met a couple of years ago, but Dan had been putting it off, constantly saying that he wasn't ready or that he wasn't in the mood. Phil was too nice to pressure him into it, but he knew the older boy was dissapointed each time he turned him down. So this time he was just going to let it happen, let Phil take him and pretend that he was enjoying it. It wasn't that he didn't loved Phil, because he really honestly did, he just didn't want to have sex with him.

He was Asexual.

There's also another problem with the whole sex thing, but he was going to think about that when they got to it. Phil started kissing down his neck and he forced out a moan, praying to every known deity that he could pretend that he was enjoying this. He didn't want to dissapoint Phil but it would be even worse if the boy knew he was forcing himself to go through with it, even when he didn't want to. Phil moved to take his teeshirt off and he allowed it, hoping that Phil wouldn't notice the scars on his chest. He called them his battle scars, but he wasn't sure what his boyfriend would think of them. He held his breathe as Phil's eyes darted over his body.

"Where are these from?" Phil whispered, tracing his fingers over the thin scars on his upper chest. They were from his top surgery but there was no way he was allowing Phil to know that. He would freak out and that was the last thing Dan wanted.

"I got into a really bad fight at college, they still haven't healed," Dan lied confidently, recieting the same lie he told everytime he had to go topless. People had been buying that lie for years, he knew Phil wouldn't be an exception.

"Wow, those are some battle scars!" Phil exclaimed, unknowingly making Dan smile. He pressed a soft kiss to both scars, before continuing his trail of kisses down Dan's hairless chest. Phil got to his waistline and started kissing above the hem of his black jeans when Dan's internal warning bells started going off, making Dan's heart start racing, but not in a good way. He took deep breathes, counting back from one hundred in his head, trying to calm himself down. Phils nimble hands started working on the button on his jeans, undoing them and starting to tug them down.

It got too much and Dan scrambled back, pushing Phil away from him. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, burrying his head in his arms. What had he just done?!

"Dan? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Phil asked, hesitantly placing a hand on Dan's arm. Dan couldn't respond, his mind becoming a whirlwind of thoughts. He felt like he was about to have a panic attack. He kept taking deep breathes, trying desperatley to calm himself down. He was already going to have to admit to Phil that he was Asexual, he really didn't want to add the Anxiety Disorder to the list of things he was going to have to explain.

"Dan, I'm starting to freak out. What's going on? Did I hurt you?" Phil's voice was getting increasingly panicky and while Dan felt bad for that, he didn't know what to say. He felt tears prickling at his eyes.

"It's fine Phil, don't worry," he stuttered, aware of how unhelpful and how untrue that sentence was. He looked up at his worried boyfriend, brown eyes meeting blue.

"Dan, what's going on?" He repeated slowly, his eyes full of worry.

"I need to tell you something, but give me a minute," Dan told him, burying his face back in his arms so he could calm himself down. He was about to tell Phil something that could possibly break their relationship forever.

Oh God.

The tears that he was doing a good job of keeping at bay were starting to overflow, streaming down his face in a thunderstorm. He cried silently, but the tears wouldn't stop, more and more raining down on his pale cheeks.

He looked up at Phil, his heart clenching when he realised the man he loved would probably hate him in a few minutes.

"What is it babe?" Phil asked softly. Dan bit his lip, taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Phil, so so sorry," Dan stuttered through his tears, trying to blink them back unsuccessfully.

"Dan? Baby what is it?"

"Look, there's something really big I haven't told you and I know I probably should have but I didn't want to disappoint you so I was just going to hide it and let you have sex with me but I can't do it and I'm so so sorry Phil please don't hate me although I'll understand if you do but I love you so much and I don't want to lose you and I'm so sorry," Dan rambled at the speed of light.

"Dan, stop stop stop! I can barely understand you!"

"I'm Asexual," Dan finally admitted. The room was suddenly filled with silence.

"Wait, that's it! Oh gosh Dan, I thought you were going to break up with me!" Phil exclaimed, tackling the younger boy in a hug like the one in PINOF 1.

"Wait, you're not mad at me?" Dan asked, shocked.

"Why would I be mad at you?! Because you don't want to have sex with me? I'm not that shallow! I love you for you alright Dan? Never forget that."

"I love you for you, no matter what."​