Dear Adam,
I understand now.
It took me exactly twelve hours and 24 minutes to get to this point.
You know that I cried and screamed.
I couldn't fathom why you pushed me away.
I wrote out my feelings when I was hysterical.
They make sense to me.
But.
You need to know what my thought process was in that moment.
I questioned love.
I kept asking myself, what is love?
I even wrote down things I've done.
For example:
"I think about you,
I dream of you,
I get into trouble because of you,
I want you,
I cry about you,
Every thought is of you: I can't stop, everything I do or say connects to you."
After you said your goodbye, I cried heavily.
I went to YouTube and searched "Superman" by Five For Fighting,
It only made me cry more.
But it was how I connected to you.
And then I asked myself out loud:
What if that's not love?
I even searched it on Google.
I even questioned if I was wasting my time and effort.
I realized I wasn't and I'm not.
I kept telling myself that you didn't think of me and
If I text you, you laugh and show your friends.
I understand it's part of my insecurities.
In public you treat me like a stranger.
I feel like Patrick from Perks of Being a Wallflower.
At least you don't bully me.
I get I am really emotional but I'm allowed to express myself.
I'm no longer a single person feeling everything at once.
Supposedly, we're together.
And in love.
But I didn't understand why graduation, NYC, and Chicago could affect our relationship.
You pushed me away.
All I hope for now is that your feelings for me never change.
I'll give you space.
It'll be unbearable, but I'll do it.
Just know I'm ALWAYS thinking of you.
But if it becomes too hard to fight for, you can let go.
I'm more concerned about you than texting every 5 minutes
Or making out in dark movie theaters.
I want you to love yourself and be happy in your life.
-sigh-
I know I can get annoying and I really try to leave you alone.
But.
My heart controls my mind.
Honey, I love you.
I always have and I always will.
Be safe.
Love,
Parker
