Autumn's Leafs

The Truth

Remember "The Introduction?"

That was literally about a fictional character. The rest of the story was me. I felt like venting and shit and I am not feeling 100% lately, so I decided to write about it because one, I have nothing else to write about, and two, I wanted to share some of it, just for the shits and giggles.

The truth is, I'm a fucked up piece of shit and I don't wanna tell people because I don't want them to think different of me. I have so many people I care about, but what if they can't accept me for my changes in myself? I know what you're thinking, "Just find someone else who cares and quit whining." Well, these people are different. They aren't the everyday assholes who just screw you over for being different. They have made me happy and made me not feel worthless at least once. I just don't want them to all of a sudden just abandon me for slowly becoming different, or an "outcast."

"You're just afraid."

You know what? I was afraid. Okay? I was, but at least I was not afraid to admit it. I was afraid, afraid of being abandoned, afraid of being alone. I was afraid that one day, all of these people will show ignorance to bring out the most envious version of me, just because I'm becoming different. I'm making bad decisions, and I can't fix them. I can't go back in time to fix shit that I've done. These people consists of friends and family. I have friends that i don't want to lose if I tell them The Truth. I don't want family to all of a sudden to turn against me for my differences in beliefs. Now, I don't even give a shit anymore. I'll come out right now and tell them the truth. If they cannot accept me for who I am, then they can go fuck themselves, because I am able to accept anybody for who they are no matter what, and I still get shitted on.

I've done dumb shit in my life. I admit, I get envious. I don't show it, but I do. I never show it, because envy is a stupid fucking feeling that weakens me. I despise it, but I cannot get rid of it. It's stuck in my head forever. So is anxiety and depression. I have panic attacks over the stupidest shit ever. I've gotten so depressed so bad to the point where I almost took my life away. I self harm, not from cutting, well at least not all the time. Recently, I broke my clean streak over some dumb shit that added more weight to the pressure and my barriers have broken to the point where I went insane. Seriously, you'd think I'd belong in a mental facility after that. Anyways, I was so mad at myself, because I fucked up so much recently, and I cannot go back in time to fix it. I was slashing my wrists, banging my head against the wall, screaming at myself, and just, breaking shit. This shows that I also cannot control my anger when I'm alone. It almost went too far that day. That one fucking day...

I feel like I'm such a bother to people, especially this one person I really care about. I honestly don't know what it is, but I feel like I make them uncomfortable and just... Annoyed by me because I'm trying to be myself or something... Its weird. If only they knew how I feel. And how much it hurts me inside to even think about it. I can't stop getting mad at myself over this.

I'm having a hard time with being accepted at home too. My beliefs, sexuality, and actions will break every bond I have with my family. I'm already having problem with this whole "You have to believe in God" shit. Like no, fuck you. I can believe in whatever I want, and you cannot stop me. Then it leads to stupid shit like "You have to stop being 'pessimistic'. Stop being tired all the time. Stop drinking a lot of coffee. You have to marry a Kazakh girl. You have to be a doctor. You have to do this and that". Who said I have to be the way you want me to be? I am my own person, and the only thing I want from you is your acceptance. If you can't accept it then fuck off...

To those who know what's up, please understand that I don't want any sympathy from anybody. I wrote this to show how tough life get and how it takes a lot to recover from it. I have a weak mind, so obviously it will take me a long time to move on, but everyone else can, because everyone else has something that I don't : faith. No, I don't mean faith in religious terms, I mean the drive to know that anyone can overcome their problems and move on to become something great, because every single one if you can. I'm far behind that