The Time I Wish I Had

Confession

Sorrow. Betrayal. Denial. Anger.

All those emotions are flying through my house right now. They slam into me and I need to remain sitting as all these feelings explode. Everything is fuzzy as I sit in my living room. Up until five minutes ago, everything was peaceful. I had tried to keep it that way. But honestly, how do you tell your loved ones something like this? You could always start with the "Everythings okay, but...." or the "Keep calm, but you need to know....". Either one would start a panic attack. Everytime I hear those words my heart feels like someone put it in a jar and decided to shrink it. I start to sweat and my breath becomes short. So when I told my parents, I tried a different tactic. I went with the straight up, "I have cancer."

I sit there and let that sink in. They look at me as if they didn't hear me. My mothers lips tremble and all I can see is her face. Her green eyes crystalize with tears and they drip onto her cheeks. The long eyelashes framing her face flutter and a gasp escapes her. She knows immediatly that I'm not lying, because she has no reason not to believe me. As my mother begins to cry quietly my father gets to his feet.

"What the hell?! How long has this been going on? When were you told this? Why didn't you tell us?" He rakes his hands over his face. He walks to the tall window overlooking the porch and front yard. The silence in the room becomes eerie. Slowly my brother gets to his feet and looks over at me. The anger and betrayal in his eyes kills me. He clenches his hands into fists and quietly leaves the room, his steps silent and quick.

My head is bowed over my knees when I feel the couch shift as someone sits down beside me. I look up as my mother puts her hand on my shoulder. I refuse to cry. I had already done my crying and it wasn't going to fix anything. The cancer was already in my body, and life was still moving foreward. Now I just needed the support from my family, who I had kept this information from.

"It will be alright," my mother says as she looks past me, out the window. "Everything is going to be fine."

At that moment I want nothing more than to believe her.

                                                                    *               *                 *

I end up being questioned by my father and my mother comforts me. He doesn't want to believe me, but he knows that I'm not lying, because honestly who the hell would come up with a lie like that anyways? He is mostly angry because I have been going to the doctors alone and have had to go through this situation by myself. 

Ryan never came back into the room and I knew he felt betrayed. I knew that telling him would be the hardest because not telling him had hurt. He felt that he should have been the first to know and that he should have been going to the appointments with me becuase that's exactly how I would feel.  I have never kept anything from him and now I kept this horrible secret when I should have told him. 

Sitting on the window ledge in my room, I hug a pillow to my chest and rest my chin on top of it. The sky looks beautiful, stars scattered across the sky. The Big Dipper shines right above my street. My neighborhood is lit up in a glowing grey light from the half moon. It was such a beautiful night, with such a horrible day. How would my brother forgive me? How could I even apologize? My chest tightens as all these questions fill my head. My brother is my life support. He is my protector and my best fiend. Not that I'm not independent, because I am. But no one can stay sane in this world by themselves. We all need someone, even if we won't admit it to ourselves or anyone else.

With a heavy sigh I get up and walk to my dresser. Shuffling through my clothes I pull out my black shorts and pink t-shirt. I strip and slip into my pajamas. Sitting on the edge of my bed I pull off my white socks. I lower my feet back to my red carpeted floor. The soft material tickles my feet and I smile slightly.

 Slowly I turn and crawl under my fluffy red covers. White drapes hang around my bed and fall to the floor at each corner. It was a great room. My dark wood dresser is to the right of my bed against the wall with a big mirror behind it. There was another mirror hanging on my door which is diagonal from me. My closet is right next to it and covers almost the entire wall. It is the wall opposite to my window. A bathroom is a part of my room and the door is at the foot of my bed. It has a bathtub, shower, toilet, and sink.

I close my eyes and wish for dreams. I had fucking cancer and I could die and I was still a virgin! I had had a boyfriend before, but I believed that your first time should be with someone you were going to spend the rest of your life with.

Please let me have good dreams, please let me have good dreams.

School was really going to suck in the morning.

 

 

DON'T BE MAD BECAUSE MY CHAPTERS ARE SO SHORT! 

Do you like it so far? Anyone curious about the guy from chapter one? Please tell what you think about the story so far, but try not to be too mean!!!!!!!!!!!! OPINIONS ARE GOOD THOUGH, JUST DON'T HATE ME

If you have questions about the story go ahead and ask away, but I'm not promising that I'll answer them all.