Reflections

Changes

I didn't know how I was going to do this.

I had practiced the speech over and over...wondering how the hell I would tell Brian, Nick, AJ and Howie that after being together so long...I was ready to move on.

"They'll understand, sweetheart. You just do what you feel is best." Kristin said to me as she kissed my cheek. I was telling them in the morning and it killed me, but at the same time I knew what I needed. I was always looking out for them....but it was time for me to look out for myself. I was tired, we all were. The label was pressuring us for new material but to be honest, I was not feeling inspired anymore.

I remember a time when I still did feel that way.

I had seen an ad in a magazine about needing members for a vocal group, and took the last fifty dollars out of a can I had stashed for a rainy day.

That day it happened to pour. I ran to the train station and went to audition for this group. Johnny told me there were three guys and they were having problems looking for members because others left suddenly. I nailed the audition and went to Lou Pearlman's house to meet them.

"Kevin, welcome...come in!" Lou greeted me, slapping me on the back. He went on and on about how happy he was to see me and lead me outside to a small backyard.

"Boys, come meet your newest member." Lou said. Two of them came over but the third seemed fully engrossed in his Game Boy.

"This is Alex and Howie. Nick's just being shy. I have to take a phone call, so make yourselves acquainted."

Lou left the backyard and we all started talking.

"I am Kevin. Nice to meet you." I said, holding out my hand.

"They call me AJ." the one boy said. I looked at the blonde boy sitting down with his video game, he didn't glance up.

"Nick likes his games. Nicky, come meet Kevin!" Howie called.

"I told you not to call me that, Howie. I am not a baby." Nick said as if he were pretending to be angry. He came over and stared up at me.

"He's tall.....taller than those other guys." he commented. I assumed he meant the other members Lou and Johnny had mentioned.

"Everybody is taller than you, squirt," AJ teased, laughing. Nick pouted and rolled his eyes. He looked barely eleven and that made me uncomfortable.

"Nice to meet you, Nick." I told him, holding out my hand. Nick looked at me and stuffed his hands in his pockets, turning away. I watched in silence as he walked away.

As a couple days went by, I wasn't so sure things were going to work out.

"Lou, I don't think this is for me." I said one day after lunch. He looled at me, surprised.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's....it's Nick. I don't think he likes me very much. Maybe it's the age difference." I said. Nick had been cold to me ever since I walked into the house. I wanted to know why.

"Give it some time. Why don't you try doing something together?" he suggested.

I didn't want to relate to the kid....we had nothing in common. He was just a kid. We had gone out to an arcade together for a while and things started clicking. Now that I have gotten to know him, I realize I was wrong. I don't know how I will be able to just leave...how I even thought of it in the first place.

"Hey, Kevin."

"Hey."

I exchanged greetings with all of them and tried to keep my composure. We all sat down at the dinner table, I had ordered some pizza.