Mind's Collection

When It's Not Ok.

I lay here waiting for sleep to come and wrap me in its arms.
My heart beating fast from what happened, and it doesn't stop, it just continues beating and beating and beating...
My throat is closed up, I'm struggling to breathe.

I feel vunerable.
I feel small.
I feel confused.

I want to stop crying but I can't, my body won't let me.

Does life eve made you feel like a dirt, so small and pointless?

"It's okay."

I despise that statement, because nothing will ever be 'okay.'

The darkness is where I feel calm, even with all the noise I can hear. My hands are shaking as I fist them. I feel so... useless.

I put on a brave mask for the day and I forget what's coming at night, the foul speech and the inaudible arguments through the thin walls of my room.

And I remember, it's not okay!

It's not okay to smile when you want to cry.

It's not okay to nodd when you want to shake your head.

It's not okay to disregard the matter when it's important.

And It's definitely not okay hold it together when you want to break down.

Because that what I do, I shrug and quietly croak while wiping my eyes and nose, "It's okay." Slipping a smile unto my lips, moving away from the comforting hands of others...

I'm sorry that I do that - showing that I'm a big girl, when I really just want to snuggle in your grip, because I'm not okay.

I'm not okay at everything.

Maybe I should be more truthful to myself and not give in to those little white lies...

As more tears slip out of my brown eyes and I swallow each choking breath,
I wait for the storm of emotions inside of me to cease.
I wait for my heart to slow down its beat. I wait for that sleep.

The type of sleep that would whisk me away into a paradise of dreams or unconsciousness.
The type of sleep that would make me forget about what happened.

But I know behind my closed eyelids, each time I blink, little flashes of the scene will appear.

And when I'm alone, I'd crouch down a d wrap my arms around knee and rock back forth.
I do this because I feel small, and I rock at a constant rhythm, because eventually, like a baby being patted to sleep, I will get tired.

But those little snippets of the event will always remind me that...

It's not okay.