Things Left Unsaid

o n e

'Cause I can't make you love me

If you don't

You can't make your heart feel

Something it won't'

-I can't make you love me : Bonnie Raitt

To the Best Friend I'm in love with,

It is today , I realized, that why did I let myself allow to fall for you . A part of me always knew that I'd fall and you would be there to catch me . I knew that I wouldn't be sprawled on the pavement with my head facing the concrete roads , no , I knew it . I knew I could trust you and expect that light at the end of the tunnel .

You'd never let me astray . Never let me be alone . You were there for me .Maybe that fact made the whole process a lot easier . Made the bridge much less treacherous to cross .

And I hate you for it. I hate you for making me trust you so much .

I hate me too . Just like you . I didn't want to fall for you but I did .

I don't even know where to begin . Yet maybe I have already begun . You know , the process of moving on slowly .

My heart aches , my world is falling apart, and you were the only thing keeping me together. Keeping me whole. And now you're gone, and no matter how hard I try to cling onto you, to pull you back, you're just going to slip through my fingers. I tried so hard to keep you with me, but I've lost all the fight that I had. I got tired of this soon. As soon as you broke up.

You shouldn't have . At least you should have told me why . I deserved to know .

I got attached to someone unpredictable . I didn't see this coming . I messed up . But then again , so did you . I fell for someone who understands me and those fluctuating mood symbols. You know how to deal with me. At least I think so.

You slowly seeped in . You became the main focus of my thoughts at 4 a.m and you invaded my thoughts at 4 p.m. For a moment , I thought about risking everything to make it more permanent . More than just fun. I was scared of messing up .

And I am happy I didn't take the dive .

You left me yesterday.Remember ? My smile which quickly turned into a frown. I didn't say anything though . Straining my lips to form a smile, I was happy that I was careful enough not to let this blow me off.

Before you, I was writing about other people's love stories. Before you I was writing for myself, now every word is meant for you. Before you, I spent my time at 2 am thinking about someone else; now it's only you, about how your day went, how you made me smile. Before you, I didn't mind people ignoring my messages. A lot of things didn't mean a thing before you, before you came.

The best part of this is that I could feel it coming . I could feel this day nearing . Ask me how?I don't even know the answer. Call it that wise voice - my senpai - who used to warn me .

I never heard it though.

And then that day, I felt all those thoughts pour down on me as if a shower of rain drizzling furiously .

I zoned out after you said , 'I am sorry' . Really. I didn't hear a word after this . I knew it was here .

I saw everything I feared would happen, slip away from my fingers. I tried to hold on to it, believe me I did. But things were happening too fast, I didn't know which to save first. Save myself and lose you or Save you but lose myself. Everything and everyone was so confusing, I couldn't think straight. I'm still reaching out for help. I'm seeking a small moment of silence and serenity. I'm looking for something great in the ruins of confusion. I'm looking for something that will stay. Something that won't break me into pieces . I'm seeking the rubble of hope to rebuild the bridge of friendship like it was before. But I guess, I couldn't find it anymore or I chose not to see it.

What I miss is not love, but friendship. The friendship we had.

I am lost now . I can't seem to know where to go when I need you .

I huddle in a corner and stay there .

I don't go to the terrace now . I miss soaring -the feeling of flying but the fear of heights is back again.

Evan Greene , I am in love with you . You know that.

What you don't know is I hate you with every fiber of my being .

A note though , well done ,choosing a cold February afternoon for it - matches what I am now .

Love,

Tessa