I just lost my world, my best friend, my everything, my jack. What am I going to do? Yes, I still have des but I havent talked to her for awhile so we kind of drifted away, you know?
I dont know what else to do anymore. I tried doing something good for once, by saving Hayes's ass beat but what do I get back more bullying and loosing my bestfriend. I cant do this. Fake a smile and fake being happy is the least I could do right now. But I have to do it. I dont know how I'm going to face school tomorrow without him. He saved me. The only person who was there for me. He acted like a boyfriend. Treated me loyal, sweet and caring. He was the only person who ever told me he loved me when i needed to feel loved well besides hayes but he's in the past right now. All I did today was think . Think about how my new life is going to be. Horrible. Miserable. Frightening.
I should get sleep now but before I should do this...
Dear god,
I normally wouldn't do this unless I was in needed of somebody, that's why I am here and to say please dont make my life any harder than it is. I dont know what to do anymore. I have nobody. I just need to let this out and say if I cant get help from you I might be dead before I can ever see how my future is going to be like. I've tried fighting this battle but it looks like im loosing with all these cuts and scars. Im not that strong anymore. Just please stop this pain please. I just want to wake up one morning feeling happy but it just wont happen even if I begged it to happen. I dont even know what my real smile is, my real laugh. Just help me please...
...Next morning...
I wake up wishing I didn't. I go and take a shower. I did what I needed to do and i just standed there and thought, why me? Why do I have to feel this pain? Why do I have to dread to go to school and see my bully and my ex-bestfriend. Just thoughts running through my head. I started to shake and I couldnt breath. Whats happening I think to myself. Anxiety Attack. Was the first thing that popped into my head. I stopped I felt dizzy. Why? Why me? I just got out and went to my closet picked out my favorite polka dot dress and matched it with my black boots. I put on my makeup which consist of mascara, eos chapstick. I put my hair into a side braid. Im done. I go downstairs skip breakfast like usual.
I get into my black jeep. While im on my way to school, i stop at a red light waiting till it turns green. It felt like forever. Finally it turns green. All of a sudden im being flippped. My head throbbing. My arm hurting badly. Im in so much pain. Everything stops. Its getting dark. My eyes shut close.
My eyes open to see that im in a white room. I hear monotor going steady. I turn to my left to see somebody sitting there. Its daniel. My brother. I smile to him which hurts. He looks up and sees me and starts crying.
"Why are you crying?" I ask "Im awake, Are'nt you happy?" I said looking at him puzzled. He smiled and said "Of course im happy . Im excited. Im thrilled." Then his smile faded. He started crying. "What's wrong?" He stood up. He came closer to me. He got on one knee. Grabbed my wrist. Ouch. He started crying more. "Why would you do this to you're self?" He said while showing me my wrist. Oh my gaud. It looks horrible. Full of cuts, scars and blood. "Im sorry.." thats all i could say. "*Sighs* no im sorry, im sorry i havent been there for you enough. Im sorry i left you for a girl. Im sorry i ever hurted you. Im sorry for not asking if your okay. Im sorry for being distant from you. Im sorry for being the worst brother ever. I could of helped you through this. Only if i was there for you and if i was a good brother to you. Im sorry." By now we were both in tears. "No no dont ever say that. You're one of the best brothers ever. You couldnt always be with me becuase of college and you had a life. You didnt need to babysit me. Everything you had done for me. Thank you. I couldnt ask for a better brother. I love you, okay?" I said picking up his head. "I love you too baby sis."
After that we just sat there in complete silence. He had to leave to go to work. As im looking out the window up into the sky. My head starts hurting really bad. My throat is hurting. I cant breath. The monotor is beeping like crazy. Im scared. I seen a whole bunch of doctors rushing to me. One of the girl doctors ran to my side. And said "Baby girl you can fight through this. Fight this. Come on. Just believe you can win." After that everything just went black.
What happened.
Im i dead?
Is this the end?
Is this the end to my crazy life?
Can i finally be happy?
