Your Lies Are Your Only Mask

Sticks and Stones

***

All my attempts to get answers from Ashton failed. We remained on the floor for what seemed like hours, neither one of us saying anything, just his cries of anger into my hoodie. His hands gripped the material hard, clenching and unclenching his fists with every yell. He calmed down, eventually. Just his tears remained.

"What happened? After I left, I mean." I quietly asked him, he sniffed, wiped his eyes and ran his hands through his hair.

"I-um. I got out the shower and changed. I was ju-st walking down the corridor and I got a call, it was my manag- I mean some guy, and he told me he was un-able to make it and that it wasn't going to be possible. I was confused and tried to talk to him but he hung up, the um.. next thing I knew I had a call saying that £6000 had been taken out of my bank account." Tears rolled down his already flushed cheeks, anger welled up inside of me but I was determined to keep strong. "I tried to call the guy back, but..." In a fit of anger, he punched the wall behind us. I shrieked and flung myself to the opposite side of the room. A hole the same size as my fist was gaping at the boy who was clutching his knuckles, but it made no impact on his state. "He's taken, everything  from me. Everything I ever worked for, has gone. I've got nothing." He collapsed on the bed, head in his palms. Soft sobs vibrated through his body, I crawled behind him and pulled him back onto the mattress.

His frame settled just in front of mine. Using one hand, I propped my head, with the other, I played with his hair. I think it comforted him. "You haven't got nothing, you have me."

"Do I? Really? You couldn't  tell me  you were hurting so badly! Fuck Eva, there are cuts from yesterday, the day before. Hell there are at least 100 scars!"

"Oh yeah, and how was I supposed to tell you? You vanished! We've been through this, please lets stop." Ashton was now sitting on the other side of the bed to me.

"I know you were hurting, but that? Seriously? That's the only option you had, to slice up your fucking arms?" My body trembled, I couldn't even look at him. I had no idea if he was being serious or if this was just the result of his anger. "You're disgusting." I snapped my head to his, his expression was emotionless. He just looked down on me like I was nothing to him,

"You don't mean that."

"Don't I?" I shook my head furiously, he laughed cruelly then brought his face so close I could feel his warm breath, I refused to look him in the eyes. "You. Disgust. Me." His voice hissed in my ear, I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. The bed moved and before I knew it, the door slammed shut and I was alone.

*** 

It's strange how something can change your mood so quickly. Just this morning I was feeling happy, spending two hours with a guy who knew nothing more than my name and my age. I neither knew, nor cared if Ashton was coming back. I hadn't even counted the minutes since he'd left. My eyes couldn't bare looking at the clock, but it was becoming dark outside. As a result of school I was used to being called things but, 'disgusting' had never come into my description.

The shower scolded my skin, but it didn't burn me. Only his words did. It was clear I was numb to everything and it had been that way for such a long time. But for once, something was breaking my walls, removing my shield and not even my hoodie could save me from it this time.

"You need to grow up." I voiced my thoughts and chuckled, running a hand through my now drenched hair. I knew only I could fix myself, and that's what I am going to do.

*** 

I was towel drying my hair when the door opened. Ashton stood there, a look of guilt written boldly across his face. I stared at him with a blank face.

"So you have the balls to come back." I stated. His mouth shut instantly, evidence of his surprise.

"Eva, I-."

"You don't have to say anything, your feelings are crystal  clear." My hair is longer than it has ever been, reaching all the way to my hips. I noticed him nervously make his way to the chair that rested next to the bed, and sit down.  

"I'm so sorry, Eva. I swear to you, I didn't mean a thing I said." 

"Yeah, you were just angry."

"Yes, I was. But I have an -."

"So you blanking me last night, was you being angry as well?" My voice raised, scaring even myself. Ashton didn't say a word, "Didn't think so."

"Eva, look at me." He grabbed my hand and pulled me down to face him. He looked at me as if I would somehow leap into his arms and forgive him. When I continued to stare at him, he sighed and continued.  "I was wrong, obviously, I was wrong. I don't think you're disgusting. I think you're perfect and I don't care how fucking cheesy I sound because I want to be here for you, I want this to stop and I wish you could be happy. Like before, when we were kids. Can we please just go back to that?" I snatched my hand away, his eyes pleaded mine.

"Just, give me time. You know I miss how we used to be." He smiled weakly and nodded, wrapping his arms around me. I stood motionless, my arms feeling like weights were dragging them preventing me from hugging him back. It didn't bother me though, I wasn't going to give in that quickly. "So what happens now?"