Breaking With Every Step I Take

Chapter 1: Gone But Not Lost

Chapter 1: Gone But Not Lost

I tried to sit up while laying on the gurney, but the medics continued to push me down saying I would continue to get more light headed with anymore movement. I turned my eyes towards my left arm where I felt pressure even though it was numb, blood bled through the bandage in which one of the peramedics tried wrapping around it. Cleaning it over and over. An oxygen mask covered my face so I couldn't speak, but I don't think I'd be able to even with out it. My thoughts were slowed and I was being injected by a needle, filled with who knows. I was confused, but I knew why I was here. Suicide. It wouldn't be my first attempt, but this would be my first attempt that almost succeeded. 

I closed my eyes again once the light on the ceiling began to bother me, and I tried to ignore the pounding headache I had along with the ringing in my ears. "Stay with us!" I hear, panicing in the back of the small ambulance truck. I wasn't dying, but they didn't know that. I was tired. Too much excitement. Maybe they should read a girls medical history before rescuing her. Maybe you'd see this would of been what's best for her. Death. Instead I have to deal with groggy voices, teary eyed parents, sirens blaring, and nausea in my stomach, now working up to my throat. Great. I threw up on myself, and one of the guys who had gotten to close. Serves you right mister, that's for saving me. 

The ambulance stopped and the sirens finally shut up, everyone was bustling and lifted me off the ambulance, but I was still strapped into the gurney. At least they took all those cords off of me. I tried slipping my arms out of the straps but it didn't succeed as well as I thought it would. I decided to lay down and stare at the sky as they rolled me into the building, then it was all flourecent lights and popcorn pasted ceilings. They moved me in backwards, until we stopped and hit a front desk where my parents checked me in and a women turned towards me. 

"Welcome to Sinclair Psychicatric Hospital, we're only here to help so don't be alarmed or ashamed. If you will follow me this way we just need to take a blood sample and do some evaluations. Do you think you can stand up?" The women had a pointed nose, and not the kind that would look pretty on skinny super models, but the kind you see on a witch in a childrens book. Her face was old, but her eyes said young. I looked towards her finger nails for a clarification, and indeed I was correct. Smoker. It's a wonder how people who work in hospitals or any area in the medical field still smoke. Rookies. When she came out from behind the counter her body looked pregnant, but it was saggy so it was all just fat. 

The medics finally unstrapped me like I was some kind of whore in a bondage sex tape. I felt bruised, where's my apology? I still couldn't speak or focus my thoughts clearly, but I followed the women down a hallway and into a room, which stood a nurse, in one of those ugly shirts with bears and hearts, this one just needed to learn what a bra was. I decided she didn't deserve my attention, since she was just getting paid to take more blood from me, haven't I lost enough? I looked down at my new clean bandage, damnit. I took a glance around the room as I eased my body into the nearest chair, the only chair. Posters, diagrams, hospital tools, the typical stuff you would see if you've been to these places as much as I have. 

"I'm just going to draw a little blood..." She brought out a huge needle. I jumped, the needle was the size of my head, probably the same width as well. "Oh, you want the butterfly needle instead? Alright."  She seemed ticked off, but why don't they just use those "butterfly" needles in the first place? Who would want more unneccesary torcher? 

She tied a rubber rope around my arm to cut off any unneccesary circulation of blood, then stuck the needle into the vein on my forearm. I watched the blood pour out into the tube and then into the vile. It was dark red today. Wonder why. I felt the needle inside of me, pushing against my vein. I started to twitch, and suddenly felt dizzy. My eyes closed shut and a flashback of my cold blade hitting my skin reappeared in my mind. Blood flowing every where as the blade broke through skin. It poured down my arm and around my wrist, creating a blood braclet, a braclet filled with hurt and death which soon would drip onto my leg, a waterfall of beautiful glistening red appeared in my eyes, and soon I was swimming in a pool of blood. I could hear banging, screaming..crying. It all stung, and my eyes opended. I was screaming and nurses held me down as the one finished drawing blood. I was kicking and punching with my other free arm until they restrained that one too. I calmed down realizing where I was, why I was here. I felt stinging in my mouth, a burning sensation on my tastebuds making me spit which soon ended up on one of the nurses, unintentionally, but I wasn't ashamed it ended up on her stupid duck shirt either. 

 I realized I was sweating. I don't sweat. Another memory flashed through my mind "Rule number 32 girls, we don't sweat, so if you're going to be one of us, you better control your male glands." The voice of Sammi Burke was now in my mind and I could feel the surroundings of pink and fluffy, a bedroom modeled after Victoria Secret, curtesey to her overly rich parents who spolied Sammi with everything she wanted, thinking it would make up for all the nights they weren't home. Cluelessly missing the fact that she hadn't missed them at all and was always too busy planning parties and recruting members for the Popular crowd. My friends and I were selected back in Freshman year, it was everything we dreamed about since 6th grade. As if thinking Sammi were to be watching and judging me right now, I attemped to calm my breathing, knowing in the back of my mind though that she would never end up somewhere like here, she was too busy in Italy this summer, getting Italian lessons from a cute italian man. She always got things like that, the power of being pretty and rich will do that. 

Before I knew it though, I passed out.