Life As I Know It

chapter 1 the teddy bear

I keep having these dreams about christmas and they just come when you least expect it spontaneously over and over again i don't even have to be asleep sometimes I'll be walking thru the halls at school or driving to the store and all the sudden i black out and i have memories of people i don't even know putting up there christmas tree making cookies then they disappear and it's me alone outside laying on the road looking up at the dark sky while snow is falling hard i feel frozen but i don't get up or move i just sit there by myself alone
Sometimes the dream is different like all be sitting in a chair at the mall looking at all the decorations they put up seeing everyone together and happy and i just sit there feeling happy because there happy i'm always the last one to leave the mall so i don't miss anyone's happiness and there facial expressions
In every dream i have i'm always alone I'm not sure if this means anything or I'm just crazy but every year on Christmas i always feel like crying even tho i have a family that loves me very much and would do anything for me but there is always something missing i'm always feeling abandoned sometimes even disowned like i'm just a toy you can buy at Wal-Mart then throw away when you get bored i know i shouldn't feel like this my family gives me everything and more but that gapping hole i need to fill it before it consumes me maybe work will take my mind off of this for now i guess I'll go even tho it's my day off "where are my keys" ugh i can never find anything in this house it's like there are little elfs that always take your keys or your left sock and your homework when it's due on friday "oh" there they are under my bed that's weird i remember putting them in the key holder on the coffee table by the door that feeling in my stomach it's coming back like I'm not wanted here i feel like its telling me to leave this world i could if i wanted to it would be easy i could just put a gun up to my head feeling the cold metal on my skin pull the trigger scatter my brains all over the ground blood gushing out of my head as i fall to the floor with my eyes open and a huge hole thru my head you can see in on both sides it might be considered rude to spatter your blood on your family's carpet tho i could go a less messy way like finding a nice long rope and going into my closet with a chair tieing the rope across my neck and the light fixture then kicking the chair away and dangling from the sealing gasping for air while my neck turns purple and my body stops working from not getting enough oxygen i could but then i'd have a huge line around my neck what would my parent's do at my funeral to hide the shame from there friends so they don't get embarrassed maybe ill just get a nice big knife and slit my wrist intel my arm comes completely off the lose of all that blood would surely do the trick
Sorry i blacked out for awhile i'm not crazy i feel like everybody feels this way sometimes i olny feel this way during fall by christmas time i tried to tell my family once they just said it was nothing i just feel bad for the less fortunate i know this might sound kinda mean but i really don't care about them i guess i'm just being selfish saying this dark bitter feeling inside me is much more then just poor people on the street but it's true i guess my boss knew i'd be here there are a few box's out here with a note saying "please stack in room 3 under basement" oh cool it's all the halloween and thanksgiving decorations and outdated candy i always take acople bags home because they just throw it away something about it not being safe anymore for human consumption for me once candy always candy you know damn these box's get heavier every year it's hard brining then down stair i wished he'd give me stuffed animal's to stack not pounds of candy and decorations there's atleast a 100 pounds in each box It's so dusty down here and gross i've never been in this room before it's been locked i guess where running out of space we kinda accidentally got a huge shipment of Christmas stuff if was like double the amount we usually buy for the store i "crash" oh no! I dropped one of the boxs! Im gonna have to clean all this fucking crap up damnit all of the decorations went under the fireplace i can alnost reach it being on the floor with your hand under a firplace is some how peaceful im being sarcastic this stinks fucking bad there black ashes everywhere oh! I think i got the decoration that rolled under here "pulls it out" wait what? It's not the decorations its like a teddy bear a black and red teddy bears it looks used it could never have been something we sell in the store it's to old and poorly made it smells good weird its smells familiar like it might be mine or someone i know i cant help but want to wrap it in my arms and squeeze it as tight as i can it's making me happy and scared at the same time i'm crying? Why am i crying! I have to leave work now! Right now before anyone sees I'll hide the bear in my jacket i already put the box's up so I'm done anyways this is crazy.