How did it get so bad...?

chapter 2

Tell me wat u think of it!!!!

Chapter 2:

I sigh and look down at my handiwork. I think about my dad. What would he have thought? Can he see me know? Does he know how I'm feeling? Is he watching over us? A tear escapes my eye and lands on my scarred wrist. The open wound burns from the saltiness. I walk back to my bed and lay down. I try to hold back tears, and choke on them instead.

I pick up my phone to text Em, but think better of it. She knows me well enough to sense that somethings wrong. And Kevin? Well he would guess too. I lay there in the darkness of my room. Alone. But feeling crowded from all the thoughts running through my head. The dull throbbing in my wrist numbs and I lose the satisfaction I had only moments ago. I try to reach back in my memory and pull it back, again, I want to relive it forever. But I know that will never be an option. Voices pour through my head. Voices of people telling me I was wrong. Voices telling me I would never get anywhere. They all blend together and turn into a loud buzz. One voice stuck out. My mothers. Her voice is strong, clear, and more importantly, not stern. She spoke softly. The voice sucks me in until I am stuck in the blissful memory...

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"Mommy, I fell." i managed to sputter cohesively through my tears.

"Oh honey, I'll go get a band-aid! It will be okay, alright?" She rushed up the stairs as if her life depended on it. "Here! Perfect!" She placed the bandaid right on the bloody scrape before helping me up.

"It feels better already mommy!" I said, smiling through my tearstained face.

"Well that's what band-aids are for now aren't they?" She smiled down at me.

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...Why can't I find a way to fix the way me and my mom are? One measly band-aid could fix my biggest problems when I was 4. Why can't i fix a problem now? When I'm 12? Why am I not strong enough to get over the past? Why does it come back to bite me in the ass whenever I want it the least? Another tear escapes. All I feel like doing is running to my mom and telling her everything. Everything I felt. Everything I did. Everything I thought about every day. And I want her to understand. I want her to understand why I felt, did, and thought these things. I want her to hug me, to tell me it would be okay, just like when I was little. I want her to put a giant band-aid on me and I want the pain to go away. I want it all to go away. I want to be immune to the hurt. The memories left to vanish. Though i know I could never add another burden to her already stressful life. If I told her, she would try to help me get a solution, an out, thats safe. She would go to the ends of the earth to help me, whether its a fight or a talk, she always has good aims. Though they always get delivered nicely. The worst part was I know she would give up so much to afford whatever help I needed, no matter how expensive. Because that's how she is.

Why do the people we love the most have to hurt us so much? I realize that I can't keep being alone right now. I have to talk to someone. Anyone. I roll over and grab my phone off the bedside table--if you can call two stacked plastic crates a table--and scroll through my contacts. Kevin. Thats who I needed. I needed a dose of utter wierdness. And Kevin was the one for that.

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hey kev

hey scar wats up?

nm hbu?

playin video games :)

as always huh?

yaaahhh....hows life?

its going along

soo....??

well it could be better but thats ok

okay, well im here for yah

thanks :)

so hows ur obsession with TYLERR?!?!?!?

ahahahha....well....hes freakin hot....as usual :) i mean, economics is fun as always :)

im sure thats not due to ur interest in economics huh?

ew no the class is so boring. Its the people *wink wink* in it ;)

ahahaha hes a nice guy.

Yah hes rlle sweet :) and hilarioussss :)

ahhaa ok......well.....how r u?

well im ok...

y?

well i just hav sum bottled up shit tht i need to let out

how r u gonna?

well idk if i can...or i can....but not in a good way...

wat do u mean?

well...it would have to b like harmful to work..and thts not rlle good....

do u mean like cutting?

well yeah thts how it wud b...

scar, you dont cut do you?

well......