How did it get so bad...?

chapter 5

"your so obsessed."

"oh shuddupp!!!" we all start laughing while looking at my wallpaper. My lovely friends decided to change my backround to a picture of Tyler. Sleepovers were always crazy with them. But then again, where would I be without these guys?

I owe my life to them. Without them behind me I would have commited suicide a longggg time ago. But these guys keep me going. They wouldn't ever let me give up. They would do anything for me and I know it. Here I felt safe. In my friend's living room surrounded by 12 other girls all lauging their asses off at my ginourmous crush.

After things settled down and people were in their own conversations I sat down on the couch with Em. Everone else was on the floor in sleeping bags or on the air matress in the corner. My friend Liz walked over and threw herself on the couch next to me. Liz has a way with her personality. Something I can't describe. She can just make you feel safe when talking about such risky things. She can make you laugh when you want to cry. She just has a way with emotions that no one else has. It makes it that much more of an experience to talk and spend time with her.

"hey Liz."

"How are ya?"

"Pretty good, how bout you?"

"This guy is giving me shit."

"what do you mean?"

"He's using me and he can because he sells me-" she makes a smoking motion with her fingers going from her mouth.

"ahhh...I see. That's sucks."

"I know right. I mean I can't not go along with him because, well, you know..."

"yeah. Well is it worth it?"

"fuck yeah, it's frigging amazing."

"oh yeah? What does it do?"

"you just can't help but be happy. It doesn't matter what has happened, everything disappears and it feels amazing."

"I could use that." I joke.

"yeah you should come with me sometime."

"yeah. I'd do anything to feel happy for real. I mean a smile can cover it up, not change it for real..." The words pour out of my mouth before I can realize how much I am giving away.

"what???" Liz stares into my eyes. Searching. For an answer.

"well...I cut."

"Scar. Trust me, been down that road, not a good place."

"when?"

"a few years back. It got pretty serious."

"oh wow"

"yeah. It's not a good idea."

"I know. Its addictive. Like a drug."

"well weed isn't really that addictive. I mean not the first few times at least."

"really? I never would have expected that."

"yeah. You really should come with me. It feels amazing. It will take your mind off everything."

"well. I mean won't someone find out?"

"not if your careful, like I am."

"well, I'm not scared of trying it. I'm just scared of what will happen when I'm- like- high"

"I'll babysit, make sure you don't do anything stupid."

" well, I trust you..."

"it will be amazing. I can't even describe the feeling to you. I mean you would think it would be like breathing in smoke from a fire, but it's so smooth. It just comes in so easily. And it's totally worth it."

"hmmm... Sounds good."

" yeah. Just let me know when and I'll set it up. Ok?"

"yeah I will."

"cool." we both smile at each other.