Perfection

"What am I?"

December 14th, 2015,
Today is my birthday, I'm turning eighteen, for two years I've lived with Sebastian and the two years have been a struggle...
No, not everything was perfect in my life as I wanted it to be.
Oh no, we didn't fight or anything, I think we only fought once the whole I was here.....
I remember it....
It was last year, on this exact date.
You see, the years have been a struggle for me for one reason and one reason only.
For constantly I am battling myself.
I keep writing in these pages the same thing over and over,
"Sebastian is perfect"
"Sebastian is amazing"
"Sebastian..."
I looked up to the man like he was indeed the most perfect being on Earth...
And it made me feel...
Even more worthless.
I'm diagnosed with depression, on several types of anti-depressants, all because I have no self esteem, no determination myself, I look at myself and see a complete waste of space..
Because I'm not perfect, I am...
I....
What am I?
Pathetic, useless, disgusting, idiotic, a failure...
All those words scramble around in my head, constantly torturing my mind, my heart, I can't take it sometimes..
Do you know how difficult it was to hide such emotions away from the one person I loved more than anything? To confront him and share all my feelings, the fact I was depressed because I was so in awe with him that I felt like trash?
He felt as if he was being blamed...
Fuck it killed him.
I don't like thinking about it...
....
"S-Sebastian I....."
"So I make you depressed? Is that why you're trying to tell me? That's the reason why you never look at yourself properly in the mirror, because you think you're ugly?"
"N-no... Please... Listen... I... I'm not blaming you... It's just... D-difficult... Please understand me, you have to understand... Ive grown up feeling like I wasn't good enough and.. I don't feel good enough for you because I'm not-"
"Finish that sentence.
I dare you."
His Crimson eyes were filled with rage while mine were filled with tears.
"I-I'm not...
Perfect enough for you..."

Just like that, he slapped me clean across the face, mercilessly...
He left a bruise and all the time that I had been with him, I had never seen him so angry, so upset...
And I had never been so scared of him.
He gripped my chin forcefully and my eyes were squeezed shut, I could feel myself begin to crumble into tiny pieces because the one man I loved was so angry at me....
My breaths became shaky and tears were rolling down my cheeks, any moment I would break down..
I expected him to hit me again, to yell, to fucking make me feel even worse all because of my stupid feelings....
But he didn't.
I soon found myself pulled towards his chest, his strong loving arms wrapped around me, holding me up so I wouldn't shatter before him, those arms that protectively held me...

"You're an idiot.
You are absolutely perfect in my eyes,
You always will be.
I'm sure as Hell not perfect either, considering what I just did to you..
But you need to listen to me and you need to listen close.
You are fucking amazing.
You are beautiful and strong, you've been through Hell living out on your own, you've been through Hell simply by living at your old home..
All your life you've been told that you're pitiful and useless, and you started believing those lies...
Baby, you have to wake and see the truth, you can do so much...
One day you're going to change the world, I know you will....
If you don't think you're beautiful either...
Dam it Ciel, we need to get a better mirror, or you need to look and stare at yourself a little longer because you are so gorgeous in every way possible.
It hurts me to see you like this...
Open your eyes...
See the truth...
I love you so much....
See the truth."

Never have such words captivated me in my entire lifetime, given me true hope for myself, determination, strength. Hah, those words gave me so many things but I couldn't restrain the tears that I had locked inside for so long...
I sobbed and I cried right into his chest, like a child but I didn't care, he didn't care, truly he supported me...
He still does.
Not only did he give me strength, he's improved my emotional state so well, I've begun to have confidence in myself, confidence in my actions and my words, everything.
He's changed me.
While it's still a struggle, I'm healing...
All thanks to him.
My Sebastian.
My lover.
He made me realize that I'm something beautiful and wonderful....

"You're my blue rose, Ciel."