"Om" I say, holding up my fingers in a meditative symbol as kitchen appliances attack my legs. Devon has gotten impatient with waiting and is watching football on the couch in his living room. Ocasionally, he looks over at me, which is so cute. I just love him and his little robots. Except they are kind of hurting me.
Like a lot.
I should have brought my shin pads.
Just then, a small meat cleaver gives up, fights his way to the back of the crowd (ignoring a large knife who damned his soul to hell) and hops up onto the couch to watch football with Devon. I hope that the other robots will follow suit so I elect the meat cleaver as president, give an innogural speech, and hope that the other robots will listen to their newly appointed leader.
They don't.
So therefore, I call the celestial whale again.
"Yoohoo," I yodel. "Celestial wh-" But before I can finish, he flops into the room and glares at me over his totally swaggie shades. "Sup dawg. I need yo help in da hizzle," I say, and for a finishing touch, "Word."
"K." Says the whale lazily, checking his phone again. He stuffs it back into the pocket of his bermuda shorts when he is done. "What do u want." He pulls out a bag of Doritos and munches slowly as he waits for me to respond.
"O, celestial whale in the sky," I begin. "Ow." A small cheese grater has just bitten me. "Holay Molay that hurt to hiiiiighhhh heaven," I say with my best southern accent on. I whip out a glass of iced tea as well just for extra pizzaz.
"Urrrr," says the celestial whale. "Can u like hurry up cause I have too much #swag for this."
And he's right. He has so much #swag that I just want to spontaneously morph into Justin Bieber and whisper, 'Swaggie' right up in his celestial whale ear just so that he knows how much I appreciate him. I try really hard, and when Devon looks over at me he tells me that I look like I am constipated and not to take a poo on the floor. Just to spite him, I do. So ha.
'WUUUTTTT DOO UUU WANNNTTT," says the celestial whale, getting impatient now. He checks facebook again and says, "Damn, Elga whale's new prof pic is like sooo hot imma like that." And then he comments: ILYY BBG ELGAAA OMGGG U STUNNER AHHH I CAN"T EVEN WE NEED TO TRADE FACES LIKE RIGHT NOW GIVE ME YOUR LIFE AHHHH I NEED YOUR FACE PLEASE SCRAPE IT OFF AND MAIL IT TO ME PRONTO! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF IT FITS IT SHIPS! YOU"RE ACTUALLY SO FLAWLESS U BOY CATCHER. U LIL TRAP FOR THE MALE SPECIES. U STUNNER, U! :***** ;))))) :)))) <3333333 and then he turns to me and asks me wut again.
"Can you please call these fine robots off and have them go back into their drawers?"
"Noo kbye," says the whale, hiking up his bermuda shorts and exiting with a "swaggie" as he flops out the room making wet squelching noises.
"He might not be able to," says a voice, "but I can. Surprise!" this is Katniss Everdeen.
"Herro," I greet her, waving and smiling to appear friendly despite the pain in my shins. "Where's Peeta?"
"Who dat," says Katniss, who I now realize is not, in fact, the real Katniss. She is an imposter Katniss. And she needs to go.
"Aww you're not Katniss," I say, disappointed. My saviour turned out to be nothing but a girl in a Katniss costume. How much worse can this day get.
