Unknown

Explanation

this isn't a poem
this isn't art
this is a documentation
of a breaking heart

My fear of abandonment as a borderline is so strong that I subconsciously try to push away people I love the most, to test if they will really stay with me at our worst. To test how strong that love really is, to know exactly at what point people stop being able to love me. I hate myself and my BPD behavior so much, but I know I have to live with it and I would never choose to live with it. But our partners/friends actually have a choice. And it's really hard for me to believe that anyone would willingly choose to put up with the kind of behavior I hate myself so much for. When I promise someone I won't hurt them and do it anyway without thinking just to see if they keep their promise to never leave. I'm either completely obsessively in love with a person or don't care at all about them; there is no in between. When someone shows me support or comforts me, often I get deeply emotionally attached to that person. I can't stop thinking of them, I always want to be in contact with them, I desperately want to please that person and have their approval, I ache when I don't see them. I even get jealous and hurt if I see that person spending time with someone else. This can be called "imprinting" or the subject can be referred to in BPD circles as an "fp." Having an fp is a coping mechanism for abandonment. I become clingy. I build up this grand illusion of how perfect this individual is because they've blessed me with their kindness which I'm not used to. So when that illusion is shattered by just the smallest disappointment - like not really maintaining contact with me or getting annoyed with something I do or say - I crash into a massive depression. Instead of being upset with that person, I turn that into self-loathing. I panic that they will leave me, but at the same time I feel they are justified in doing so because I'm worthless. Then I distance myself as much as possible from them. And it's the same sucky self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't say I'm a bad person just because I want the attention and someone to tell me I'm not - I say it because I truly believe it and I need to be given a real reason/example that I'm not.