I feel bad for people surrounding me. Pitiful humans to have loved me as family or friend.
Why?
Because there’s something wrong with me. I lack emotion… affection and care. I rarely react to happenings in my surroundings, be it happy, sad, alarming, or even frightening. But there are times when I feel those; I just don’t know how to express it.
Maybe it’s my mom’s fault.
I vaguely remember a moment in my childhood. The skies were dark gray that day and I was on the verge of crying because my cousins kept on annoying me. I remember my mom saying:
“As long as you react, they’ll keep on annoying you, so stop it.”
I guess I was too obedient, and I don’t react to anything at all, now.
I don’t think anyone can cure me of this sickness. But I still have hope. This tiny grain of hope that someday, somewhere, there’s a person who would help me care – not.
As if! That was my philosophy when I was 12. Entering High School.
High School… It will be fun they said. It is actually where everyone’s searching for faults to laugh at and ways to push other people down and pull themselves up, wanting to be higher than anyone else. Either because of popularity, grades, power… ya, power.
“Don’t you have friends?” you may ask. Well, I had friends. Had. They all thought I was no fun and got tired of me through time. There was this one girl, who always called me Jane though. She sort of helped me react to stuff. But we won't see each other now that I moved.
In anime, movies, fantasy or fantasy anime movies, there’s a hero who arrives and saves the damsel in distress, in any way, he can even be a friend, stay by her side, and know the real her even if everyone else misunderstands. Well that’s fiction, I have been believing in those sh*t for too long… This is reality.
I have to try and be friendly to gain new friends. My parents would’ve wanted that.
Tomorrow is my first day in my new school. A new start. I don’t know what will happen or what I’ll do, but there’s one thing for sure…
I need to change...
....How the hell am I supposed to do that?!?!
