It's Not A Side Effect Of The Cocaine, I Am Thinking It Must Be Love

chapter ten- mess is mine

"Please stay home today?"

"I already told you, I wish I could, but I have to work." I pulled my jacket on, glancing at Pancho as I did.

"But it's my birthday."

I sighed. I really, really, wished I could stay home. I felt terrible for going to work on Pancho's birthday, but I couldn't just skip work altogether. He was only making me feel worse by whining at me about it, which was almost certainly his goal, but there was nothing I could do. "I'm sorry, but I have to go. We can do whatever you want for lunch, though, I promise. Will you please let me leave now?" I asked.

He crossed his arms and scrunched his face up at me. "Fine, I'll see you at lunch, then. But I'll miss you," he complained.

It wouldn't even be four hours before I saw him. Why would he miss me? I tried my best not to get hopeful and read into it too much. "I'll only be gone for a couple of hours, Pancho."

"I'll still miss you! I guess you should go now, you don't want to be late or whatever," he said reluctantly.

"Okay, see you in a few hours." I started on my way out. "Oh, and happy birthday!" I called to him before I shut the door.

When I came home for lunch, I was already exhausted from work. The questions about Pancho from my coworkers never seemed to cease, and ever since my dream they made me even more flustered. It was hard to avoid my thoughts when everyone always wanted to know about my "boyfriend" and how things were with my "fiance." Today was especially obnoxious, because once I mentioned that it was Pancho's birthday, they kept insisting that I go home and spend the day with him. It became increasingly difficult to focus on work, which I'm sure was their intention.

It was a good thing my lunch break came when it did, because I was just about fed up enough to leave anyway. On my way out of the building, the lady who had said it was "a shame" that Pancho wasn't my boyfriend a couple weeks ago had stopped me right as I was at the door.

"Hey there!" she greeted with a red lipstick-painted smile, "You finally going home for his birthday?"

I sighed, glancing at the door, anxious to get out of there. "We're just going to lunch, I'm coming back after that."

She "tsk"ed and shook her head, putting a hand on my shoulder that I pushed off. "Just go home," she continued, "You've already put in half a day, we'll cover for you if anyone asks where you are. It's your boyfriend's birthday, for crying out loud, spend some time with him!"

"He's not my boyfriend," I muttered, even though it wouldn't make a difference, and even though part of me really wanted him to be. That god damn dream had really messed everything up. "But yeah. I don't know. I still have to go."

"Alright, have fun at lunch," she waved goodbye and smiled as I left the building. The only thing I could think was that her smile didn't even compare to Pancho's. She just looked like she was trying too hard to be polite, but Pancho's smile lit up the entire room, and it was hard to not smile back. I slapped my palm against my forehead. I really needed to stop thinking like this about him, and just try to forget about the dream and how nice it had felt to hold him and kiss him and- I was just making everything worse.

Still, though, I sighed in relief when I got home, turned off the car, and went inside. Bad Twin was asleep, and Pancho was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, knees drawn up to his chest as he flipped through TV channels. He didn't see me at first, as he was momentarily absorbed in whatever was on TV before he switched it again, and I felt another pang of guiltiness that he was spending his birthday all alone like this. He was wearing jeans, one sock, and the shirt he had taken from me but he had, for once, rolled up the sleeves.