As I lie down on my bed, I'm drifted to my past. A horrible one. The most scariest one.
Just a year ago, when I was 16, when everything happened at once. My life in Amsterdam wasn't a memorable one. It just happened to be a very very scary one.
Back then, I was madly and unconditionally in love with a guy called Joey. Joey tugger. Joey was like none of the other guys. He was sweet to me, he helped me out, he was there for me and well he was a very charming and a very handsome guy. As I though just maybe he liked me too, he actually did. Well, he asked me out and as I thought our relationship would be a 'to-die-for' relationship I never thought i would be this.. This wrong.
Me being me was what I was starting to be ashamed of. I was always the one to mess up. Always the one go wrong somewhere and him being absolutely flawless, I thought. I was proven wrong in some time.
As days passed, we fought over silly things but I thought that's what made us have stronger relationship. He left clue's for me here and there but I was soo in to him I just made reasons in my mind to calm myself.
And as days passed and he got tired of us, he told me. And this day my friend, was where everything clashed at once like the waves that hit the shores.
He told me that he never loved me and he never wanted a relationship with me. He never will and he never has. He said he was only using me for my body and he was sorry to hurt me and he asked me to let this one just slide away. It took everything in me not to hit his face with rocks. And then he just left without another word.
But I, still went behind him. I went to his house to sort out things and give our relationship another chance. And then it happened to be that he left the town. Nobody even knows why. He left with every piece of me I was holding onto and I had nothing but the memories to cling on to. But still, I had guts to ask his friends about him and where he went. They just laughed and mocked me and told me to go fuck another guy since I had a "flawless body" and forget him. I was broken again. Deeper and deeper did they push the sword already present in my heart.
This was the same day my drug dealer of a dad left my mum and i. We had nobody except each other.
Coming on to my mum, she had one of the most deadliest luck ever. She had me and my sister who were just adding tiny prickly things in her heart.
My sister with all of my mum's money to Brazil.
She left a note for us saying that, she was sorry to go away leaving us like this but she couldn't stay strong anymore and she was going to return with a better life for all of us. But she wasn't done.
As months passed she kept sending letters asking for money, using her college fee as a reason. But I wasn't that stupid to believe her completely. Being me I worked hard and made money by going for a number of part-time jobs. And when I finally lied to my mum saying i had to meet her because she was going to graduate soon.
Yes, a very lame reason, my mum finally let me go. And then I found out she was just there having a terrible life like my mum. She worked as a stripper at clubs and men used her. My sister was my last hope I had, I thought. She used to call me before talking about how perfect her life is there. But it was totally different.
My mum. My mum works as a waitress in different clubs and bars. She comes crying every night because of all the things men do to her. She's the most beautiful woman god has created and the world being cruel used her until there was nothing left of her. But she still let people do whatever they wanted to her for money. Money for me. Money for my future and my sister's future. But I..
I value whatever she dees for me. I value her more than anybody on this earth. And so I did, work my ass off for her. So that I can help her not have such a miserable life like she has now in her last few days. I go to school for her and also that I don't end up like my sister or anybody. So that, I don't end up at strip clubs. So that i, don't have to lean on anybody for anything.
My school life obviously had to be a miserable one. My ex-bestfriend, beth had to make my life a more horrible one. And do she did. She told all my secrets to everybody. The whole school. I was teased and mocked and bullied in school. I was called "the stripper's sister" and many other awful names. I was never ashamed or embarrassed for being poor. I was ashamed of not having to do anything to change my life so that they don't call me those names. As i thought this was reality and if i would die my mum would have a better life, A spark of light which grew bigger little by little came into my dark world.
Sydney. Sydney, my ex-boyfriend's ex girlfriend was that light. She hated me and when I got to know the reason why she did, I guess I would've hated myself to.
As you know, I blamed myself for everything that happened with hoey.
Hoey=joey.
She proved me wrong. She said that she hated me because I was hating myself because of him. She hated me because I choose the wrong guy. She hated me because I was degrading myself because of him. She hated me because I always thought he was too good for me.
Happens to be that her relationship was just as fake as mine was with him.
Reason for the bonding.
She was totally opposite of me and what I thought about her.
She is the most prettiest woman after my mum. She has a heart if diamond and other precious stones. She is one in a fucking 7, billion, and I.. I Amy's reason for living are these two people. She and my mum. She is like the one walking with me on the beach, making the waves seem less scarier.
Coming to me, because of my rough AF past, I have the world's most scariest traits. My heart. Its like ice cold. I think Elsa caused that (get the pun *wink wink*) I have major trust issues and if you did anything to hurt my two diamonds, chances are your parents will be sobbing by your graveyard tonight. I'm very socially selective because of my my past and if I give you a place in my heart, trust me when I say that you're something really something to me. Doesn't make sense? Nvm. I never make guy friends because of the past yikes. And also as the thing goes 'a girl and a guy can never be just friends' I take it really serious hmm..
Now how did I end up here you ask?
When the bullying got out of hand and Sydney realised and she used her wealthy AF skills on me. She and my mum out some money and sent me here.
Now. Why am I trying to fit in?
Before leaving Sydney told me, to forget whatever happened and start livung. She told me if I'm stuck in the past I'll never know what the future holds.
What a lovely life isn't it?
And with that I drift back to sleep. Sobbing. Just a little x
Heyheyhey <3
Long enough? Thanks for the views and votes and comments. Please keep the support mode on and I'll give you what you need. That rhymed, just saying xD
Loads of love
-Irina xxx
P.s- sorry for some grammatical errors I couldn't make up time to check it out before publishing it. Yikes
