I love you , Why can't you love me back?

P55

DUNDUNDUNDUN.. this fic will end soon so brace yourselves chinggus:) I know you wanted to end this so badly:D

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When I entered our house, I quickly lied on the couch and heaved a sigh. It's already 9 pm. My mom invites me to have a dinner with her and Dad, but I said no. Even if today is a special day, I don't feel like celebrating.

I sighed again for the nth time when I heard my stomach growl, screaming for food. Digestive system, ready for war. I groaned and drag my feet on the kitchen to find something to eat.

After eating a bearable food, I lazily put the used utensils and plate to the sink and washed it. After drying my hands, I drag my feet again to the living room when I noticed Hee Rin's room.
It was open.
I cringed my brows, thinking if I opened it a while ago. Then I slowly walk towards her room and peeked inside. Well.. nothing's changed. I walk inside her room and sat on the bed while looking around, then I pulled my back and lied on the bed with my arms stretched wide. I pulled one of her pillows and hugged it, to my surprise I can still smell the faint scent of Hee Rin's hair. This is so bad.. How I miss you so much Hee Rin-aah..

I suddenly remember the time when Hee Rin used to smile bright in front of me when I'm just pushing her away. The smile that I can't forget. The smile that suddenly disappears, like when you stare directly into the shining star called sun, like when a flash of camera shuts your eyes for that split second, like when you refuse to give way to the burning tears.

I was in my deep thought that I didn't notice that a tear rolled down on my cheeks. I turn to face on the other side of the bed while hugging a pillow when something caught my eye.
Just when I'm about to ignore it, something pops out in my mind. Isn't it Hee Rin's DIARY?!!
I stared at it for a minute before snapping back. I blinked as I took it, am I allowed to see this? I place it on my lap and trace it with my fingers. I sighed before convincing my mind to open it. I gulped as I open it.. The first page makes me smile, a picture of the Eiffel tower was attached on it while on the side was the hand written of Hee Rin saying "oh hello there my baby Paris, wait for me after I get married. I'm going there with my husband. Hihihihihi. Be good. It's our honeymoon!" I wish I can go back in time when we just married, and I'll surely drag her to this city of love.

I was smiling while reading the first 5 pages. Well.. how can I explain it? It's full of my name written in it. It's all about me. Is this her diary or my biography?
She wrote even the smallest things about me,
The way I walk coolly,
The way I flip my hair when it covers my face,
The way my eyes smile when I can't hold my laughter,
The way I roll my eyes cutely when I walk passes her. Wait? I'm cute while rolling my eyes?
The way I glare at her that makes me looks so tough? What is this? Hee Rin? Seriously.. you're funny.

I can't stop smiling while reading her praises about me, even I didn't noticed this things about me that only Hee Rin can see. Really, she spends 4 pages just to describe me?! She's unbelievable. Seriously, this makes my heart jump in so much happiness. But as I continuously flipping the pages, the happiness in her writing slowly becoming a hurtful one. It started to become sad when she wrote the day she transferred to our school. It says here that she's happy to see me everyday sitting in the canteen with my friends while my arms were resting on Ji Eun's shoulders. "Dear diary, how can I say this? I saw my Luhan. I can't help but to smile while watching him from afar. Is it legal to say that I'm happy when I know that I am not? What am I going to do diary? He's so happy with that girl. Hey diary, call me some godmother. How I wish I can be that Ji eun even just for a couple of hours"
I kept on reading and reading. Absorbing the pain that Hee Rin felt when she wrote this.

When I was finally half page done, you can see the letters were smudged, you can tell that Hee Rin was crying while writing this part. It's about how I show her that I love someone else right on her face. My heart felt twisted as I read every word she wrote. I felt so guilty, I felt hatred towards myself. How can I treat her like this?

I kept on reading that I didn't even notice my eyes were already swollen because of too much crying.
Then there's this page that surprised the hell out of me. It's about Tao.
"Dear diary, okay so stop scolding me from too much tears that I shared to you when you are a happy diary. But what can I do? There are no happy moments in my life that I can share with you. Not until today. Remember when I told you about my new friend? Uhmm.. he's name is Tao, Hwang Zi Tao. He's really kind diary. He's always there for me. Sometimes when I am with him, I completely forgot that I am a married woman. Sometimes I wish he's the one I saw first before Luhan, so that I would fall for him first, so that I would not fall deeper to Luhan that all did was hurt me, but I know that Tao is nothing but a brother to me. Today Diary, he asked me to meet up with him, but then we did nothing when we meet up. It's really weird. He's just staring at me and I felt weird, so I hold his hands and we walked to the park, how can I explain it? I feel so safe while holding his hands. I wish I can hold Luhan's hand like this, so freely." I froze when I read it and I feel so jealous. But even so, my name is still there right?

"Dear diary, Today I was planning to meet up with Tao and Eunjung to plan my and Luhan's anniversary. But some unexpected thing happen. You know what diary, Luhan keeps blaming me because Ji Eun passed out. I didn't mean it. He won't listen to me. He doidn't know how much I am in pain right now. He didn't know that my head felt spinning while talking to him. He didn't know that my back hurts so much that I feel like fainting. And lastly, he didn't know how much he broke my heart"
"Dear diary, I know that you're angry with me. I know that you want to punch me right on the face right now if you could do so. I know that I bought you and promised to write wonderful things and share my wonderful life with you. But all I shared with you were tears instead of laughter. I always greet you with a sob instead of smile. I'm sorry diary"
I slapped my face hardly before continuing. When I reach the final pages, my breathing went so difficult to catch. Hee rin's pain while writing this can stab your heart with a knife full of hatred and love.
She wrote about how it hurts her to ignore me when all she wanted to do is run and hug me tight. How it hurts her to see me sad when she gives me her cold shoulders when all she wanted was cry and rest on my chest. How it hurts her to see me upset when she didn't bid a goodbye when we go to school that all she wanted to do is peck my lips before running to her class. How it hurts her to see me frowning when all she wanted to do is plant a gentle smile on my lips. How it hurts her to sleep with me while facing her back when all she wanted to do is cuddle with me.
This is too much, I can't even continue.

"Basically, I wish that you loved me Luhan. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said I'm okay, actually I meant no. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn't eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you sleep"

On the last page Hee Rin is actually talking to me not to her diary, and there's a folded paper that turns out to be a map with Hee Rin's writings on it.