Will She Ever Be Loved?

I Remember

I remember, sitting there in my mom's dull red Nissan Sentra. Everything was clear. My parents are over and true love doesn't exist.

I remember, how I always thought of my parents as Romeo and Juliet. They always loved each other and wanted to be together, but there were always complications. Then, there was no chance at all for them to be together anymore and that left a scar on me. All I wanted since I was a little kid was to have my parents together. On my birthday I didn't wish for the next new toy or superpowers like every other kid, I wished for my dad to come home and for my parents to get back together. Every single year when I blew out my candles I looked at my mom and crossed my fingers it would come true by next birthday.

I remember, I was in that car with my mom, myself, and her boyfriend. Bill. Bill was his name. It wasn't short for anything it was just Bill. I saw how their eyes lingered when they looked at each other. I saw how close they were. Right then and there I knew he wasn't just some, "friend". Friends don't come to our house almost everyday after they're done with work. Friends don't flirt with each other over the phone every second they're away from each other. Friends don't take other friends on dates. Friends definitely do not hold hands. Which is exactly what they did.

I remember, how my mom barely acknowledged me when he was around. She always put him first. "What does he wanna eat? Where does he want go? What does he want?" But I always kept my mouth shut about him. I would always get lectured for asking questions about him, so everytime I said, "I don't know". I guess I always knew that they were a thing from the start, but I didn't want to believe it. I still wanted to believe there was hope in wishes. I would've been lonely all those days if it weren't for my white, fluff ball rabbit, Fluffles. I was probably in the 3rd grade when I first got her and Fluffles seemed to suit her. She was the only one that noticed me at home. I loved her til death did us part.

I remember, in the 5th grade when I came home from a friends, walking in and seeing her cage wasn't where it normally was. I uttered the words, "Where's Fluffles?"

My mom was standing there like she had been waiting for me to ask that. She simply said, "Fluffles died." No sugar coating, no "you should sit down," just, "Fluffles died," and came in to hug me.

I remember, how I didn't want to give her a hug, but at that moment that's all I needed. A hug. I burst into tears and she hugged me tight. My mom had put her in a box so I wasn't traumatized when I got home.

I remember, how she said that we were just going to give Fluffles away not long before she passed, because she thought I wasn't taking good care of her, but she saw me for the first time in a long time. She saw how upset I was about it and she let me keep her. When I first saw her missing I thought my mom had given her away behind my back.

I remember, how that morning she was acting strange before I left for school. I guess my own body and mind was giving me signs Fluffles was going to leave this world, because that same day I had a short vision of her before I came home. She looked exactly how my mom described the way Fluffles looked when she died.

I remember, burying her. I had already cried out half  of my tears. My best friend in the entire world came with me. She was also my cousin. She helped me get through what I was going through. I told her how it hurt like hell to have my mom hide the truth about her and Bill. I mean my mom did the same thing about Fluffles. I expected my mom to tell me right away about the situation, but she didn't, just like she hid Bill from me. He was the one who buried her since he was the "man". A man who wasn't a hardass for about an hour while I was mourning.

I never felt so alone. I was going to be truly alone at home. Alone and unnoticed. Seen, but not looked at. There, but not acknowledged. Loved, but not loved.

I remember, when my best friend, Renee had told me she was moving the following year. I was finally healing thanks to her, then she tells me she was leaving me. All of my progress came tumbling down. She was going to live in San Francisco, California. Her mom had gotten a better job offer there. She was going to be an 8 hour drive, or a 2 hour flight away. I spent as much time with her as I could before she left. Until, the day came and she did.

I remember, how when we walked in they were just finishing up packing and loading up the moving truck. I thought it would be gloomy, but her and I wanted to spend our last day in Vegas together happy. I wanted her to remember me smiling. When I got in the car to go home, I struggled not not to let a single tear out. I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my mom, at least that's how she raised me to feel. I cried hard when I got home, that night it came from every part of me. Someone I've been best friends with since diapers was leaving. My therapist, my sister, my laughter, my joy, my number one fan, my everything was leaving me and I couldn't do a thing about it. There was the biggest pit in my stomach, so heavy I could not physically stand, and I never wept, sobbed, or cried out from every aching part of my heart till that night.

I remember, how all through those days I lost the people closest to me, my own mom, Fluffles, and Renee. I may have not lost them forever, but it made things different. I still pass by Fluffles grave when we drive places. My mom is still here, but it's nothing like before. Lastly, Renee and I still talk and visit each other, but it's difficult only seeing her so little. Everything changed and scarred me one way or another, I will never know if it was for the better, but I guess that's life.

Here I am today still holding up strong. I became closer to my some of my other friends since then, and they made things hurt less and less every day, until it stopped hurting anymore. I love them from the bottom of my heart. Jazmin, me and her refer each other as sisters. I feel like we were meant to be twins, we even have the same birthday. We spend our birthday together every year. Then there's Sally, she's my "wife". We got married in the 6th grade. We got divorced once, but got remarried and always have been since. Kaitlyn, just gets me and Taylor, I could always count on her to be there with me. They all helped get me to open up and feel happy again. I am eternally grateful and I don't know what I'd do without them.