Breathless Words

Chapter One

    I'm laying in my bed, clinging onto my pillow. I rub my thumb across the wet, black mascara marks that are stained on my owl pillowcase. I've finally started to stop crying, thanks to Violet. She's helped me through so much. I really don't know where I'd be without her. Probably, six feet in the ground.
    I look out my window and stare into the darkness as Violet meets my skin once again. It's three-thirty-two in the morning. Numbness rushes over me, and I get a chill down my spine. I rub my hand on my thighs thinking I was going to wipe away tears that had fallen. Instead a stream of dark red blood smears, following after my hand. I stare at it, emotionless. I put Violet down on my desk, get up, and walk to the bathroom, never losing sight of my blood covered thighs.
    I turn on the cold water of the bath tub, and plug the drain. I then, strip my clothes off one by one and crawl into the running water. The water instantly starts to redden. I allow myself a tiny smirk as I watch the water darken. I'm startled when I hear footsteps and then the fridge shut, and I immediately jump out of the water and lock the door, and it is then when I catch a glimpse of a small needle. I pick it up and pour Hydrogen Peroxide over it to sterilize. Next, I crawl back into the tub and prick my wrist with the needle, and watch little bubbles of blood leak from my arm.
    After a couple minutes of soaking I drain the bath and turn on the shower. The water runs all over my body to get the remaining blood off. When I step out of the shower I wrap the towel around my body and walk back to my room. Once I am dried off and clothed I get into bed and turn my music on. Before I know it I drift off into a soundless slumber.
     * * *
    I blink my eyes open and fling upwards when a loud bang echoed into my room. My mom shuts the door behind her as she comes in, and I look at her through my sleepy eyes. She glares immensely when she spots my cuts, and puncture wounds. "What the fuck Sam?" I stare at her as I cover the blanket over my body. "What?" I ask. "I thought you were done with this shit," she says, looking down at my blanket. I just look at her and keep myself from crying. When she realizes I'm not going to answer she leaves my room and slams the door.
    I hold onto my pillow and cry silently while disappointment washes over me. I close my eyes and my wrist starts to itch. I scratch it until the scabs come off and they start to bleed again. I do the same with my thighs. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. What is the point in living anymore? I have nothing left. My thoughts keep eating away at me and I decide that I can't take it anymore.
    I pull out Violet and let her meet my skin again. Big strokes trace my wrist and I clench my fists as I push the blade in deeper and deeper. Blood starts to pour from my wrists. I look at it and I feel so relieved, and for a moment, just a moment, I feel complete happiness. Once I realize how much blood I'm losing I start to panic. I can't go to the facility again. I can't. I run to the bathroom and start padding toilet paper onto my wrists to try and stop the blood. It just seeps through and I end up finishing off the roll. I run out to the living room and tell my mom we need to go to the hospital. She looks at me holding the red toilet paper to my arm and grabs her keys. She looks at me and says, "lock the door," and walks out the door. I lock the door and go out and get in the car. We arrive at the hospital and she pulls into the Emergency Room parking lot. She signs me in when we get in and sits down without even glancing at me. "Samantha," a lady calls from the doors in front of us. We both stand up simultaneously and walk back to the room with her. "The doctor will be with you shortly," she says until she sees my arm. "Let me take a look at that sweetie." She gets gauze and a wrap bandage out of a drawer and puts it on my wrist after taking the toilet paper off. "You'll probably need stitches," she mumbles.I look at my mom who just finished sighing and then starts playing on her phone, and look back at the nurse. "How much will that cost?" "Oh not much, but hopefully your insurance will pay for it."
    After the doctor has come in and given me stitches and we're ready to leave a bald guy walks in. "Can I ask you a few questions alone, Sam?" My mom looks at the man and then walks out of the room.
    "Alright, why did you self harm?" I stare at him blankly. After a little while of me not answering he asks a new question. "Okay, how long have you been self harming?" "4 years," I reply and don't open my mouth for the rest of the questioning. Later that day, he comes back in and says, "They have a bed at BHC for you, and you'll be transferred there from here by an officer at 3." I feel my face heating up and I begin to cry. "Can I please not go? I promise to not hurt myself or anything!" He sighs and says, "I'm sorry Sam, but I can't let you leave the hospital," and walks out. I start crying really hard and my mom comes back in and sits in the chair and is still playing on her phone.
    The officer comes in and gets my stuff together, and we go out to the police car. He opens the back door and he puts me in the one person seat that has a cage thing surrounding it. What the fuck? Does this bitch think I'm going to bite him or something? When we get to the facility I'm numb, and I just don't care anymore. My mom signs me in and I go back to do my skin check. My favorite worker is the one to do the checking and she looks so sad to see me back again. I don't say a word to her, and I decide that that's how it is going to be the entire time I'm here. No words. Whatsoever.
    Throughout the day the doctors pull me out of group and try to ask me questions which I refuse to answer. The other patients even try to talk to me, and I ignore them too. I just write in my journal, and doodle on the cover of it all day. The first page of my journal says:

July 16th
I'm sick of always ending up in this place. It doesn't help. There's no point in me always coming back. Yanno? Because I'm not getting anywhere. I've been to State Hospital and still nothing changed. They can't expect things to get better for me. They've just got worse. Losing my reason to live and all. I have no purpose in life anymore. No reason to be happy. Why do I have to live? Why can't God just take me away? I beg him every night. He never answers my prayers. Ever. Why am I never heard? Why are my screams always silenced?

    I go to my room even though I'm on LOS (Line of Sight) which means I have to be in sight of a staff member. I crawl into bed wearing my blue scrubs that I have to wear for 3 days until I get my clothes back. I shut my eyes, and as soon as I'm about to fall asleep a staff member comes into my room and presses the clicker against the wall. As metal meets metal it makes a loud clink. My eyes jolt open and I glare at the Tech. I then close my eyes again and finally drift to sleep.