Secret Desires.

Her Secret.

   I'm unhappy with this relationship now, and it takes nearly everything in me to continue to love this man through his deceitfulness. 5 years ago, Drew and I were so in love and nothing could separate us, but now it's hard for us to even look each other in the eye. I felt as if I was competing for his love. If I'm the one he's eternally bonded with, then why are we going through so much shit? Nothing seems to rekindle our flame, so I figure that it's time to cut our losses. It's when I look into his eyes that I hesitate to leave.
  Little memories of happiness begin to flash through my mind and I always find myself giving him another chance. I can't deny that Drew is the love of my life and more, but I can't deal with his cheating any longer. I wanted to find someone or something better to fill the void in my heart that he's caused, but it seemed that without him, I would have nobody else. I know he makes up for his wrongdoings through sex, (and I love the rough make up sex we have) but what if I want more? I want to go on exquisite dates again, flaunting our love in public. I even loved those moments when we were drunk as hell, getting a quick fuck in the club bathrooms. The little things made our love an enthralling fire, but soon things tend to burn out. As I yearned for Drew's attention day and night, a part of me began to search elsewhere for excitement. I actually feel worse of a person than Drew is, as my secrets are far more darker than his...
I love this man beyond explanation, and if he could learn to accept me for my flaws then I could forgive him for his. We would have never been in this predicament if we were loyal to each other from the start. I don't know how long him and Ava have been involved with each other, but I know for certain that his heart is with me. My anger towards him didn't portray my true feelings, but at that very moment I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I hate hiding things from my husband, but he is truly the root of all my evil. That's why I decided to tell him tonight to release the skeletons in my closet, and take the first step to recovery.
   "Drew... How can I explain this. I didn't know about you and Ava's fuckery until tonight, but something in me told me that your attention was no longer on me. The more you chose to ignore me, the more I became curious." I said quietly to my husband. Drew raised one of his eyebrows to show his skeptical facial expression. If only I knew what was going through his mind. I began to stare at the ceiling to re-gather my thoughts only to be distracted by the warmth of his embrace. "It's okay baby, I'm listening." Drew took me to the bed, sat me down, and prepared himself once more to digest my story.
    "I never meant to hurt you, or anyone else in particular. I just wanted to break your heart for once and give you a dose of your own medicine..." My eyes began to swell at the memory of the incident. "What you tryna tell me Olivia? I'm not catching on." Drew quietly said. I could tell he was growing worrisome. "I thought I had control over my pain, but what you did was something that permanently damaged me. I was all alone.... until I met Charles." By this moment, I was whispering my story. I finally had the courage to tell Drew his name, but to tell the rest of the story would be hard to do. "And who the fuck is Charles?? Don't stop the story now." I felt a heavy lump form in my throat, and my words became slurs. I couldn't handle his overbearing pressure. I wish he was as calm as he was before, maybe then this wouldn't be such a challenge. "Charles.. Yeah. He's a man from my job down at the Emory University Hospital. It started with simple gestures, such as bringing me lunch and walking me to my car. I swear I was as faithful as could be, but you stopped coming home, and I grew more curious of Charles..." I quickly stood up only to get pulled back down by Drew's strong grip. His worrisome expression transformed into an anger I've never witnessed from Drew. By now, I wished I hadn't opened my mouth about my discretions. "What the fuck did you and Charles do?" Andrew's demeanor remained stiff, but the tone of his voice were like sharpened daggers to my stomach. I know if I told him what I knew, he would walk out on me in an instant. The opportunity to fix our relationship flew the fuck out the window once I mentioned Charles name, but there was no going back now...
"Charles is.. Charles was.. Charles was the shoulder I cried on when you left me. Charles took me out on dates and- and he loved me for who I was and not what I could do for him. I-I was in a state of depression!! I didn't know what to do, I just didn't want to lose the attention he gave me. I mean I-I felt wanted again..." Shit, I'm stuttering, slurring my words, just fucking up everything. Drew began to pace back and forth in the bedroom and mumble words to himself. I wanted to jet out the door and go far away from this mess--- right into Charles arm. Call me crazy, but I more felt safe than ever with him. Drew was the love of my life, but Charles was my shining armor. Whenever things turned for the worse, I knew for certain I could go to him for shelter. He made me forget my troubles as he laid me down, and caressed every part of my body.
   I got up on my two feet, and began running towards the door. This disrupted Drew from his madman pacing and sent him flying after me. He slammed me into the door and tightly grasped his hands around my neck. "What the fuck did you do with Charles!!" Drew was fucking insane! All along he's been cheating on me with my own best friend, but once I decide to play his game  he wants to flip out. Why should I subject myself to this lonely ass house all day waiting for him to come home? Why should I play the "perfect wife" while he goes out every night to fuck some other girl? I was done being his backbone through his demise. I wanted sensitive touches down my spine again, I wanted to enjoy the thrill of being pleasured the right way. I was tired of being in Drew's pity party as he lived his life freely. I wanted to be seen again...
    As Drew stared deeply into my eyes, I mumbled the words that could break any man's heart. "I've been sleeping with Charles for the past 3 months. I don't know if this is your baby Drew..."