The Therapist's Son // Ashton Irwin [AU] ✔

28.*

A/N: So I know there are a lot of flashbacks and dreams and stuff in these chapters, but they all symbolize something really important and stuff. So...Yeah.

Chapter 28. This chapter might be kind of harsh and disturbing and touches on self harm and suicidal thoughts near the end, but it's a chapter that i feel is necessary to add in so that everyone can better understand Natalie feels and how she thinks.

*****

The sunlight shone through my curtains and hit my face. I groaned, rolling over. When I opened my eyes, I noticed the clock said it was nearly nine a.m. When I sat up and looked around, confusion took over. I wasn't in my room in Hornsby.

I was in my room in California. Everything was exactly the way I remembered it. The walls were a light, pale, comforting green. My bookshelf was covered in my favorite books and framed photos of my family and closest friends. The sheets on my mattress were the same, and the curtains were the same pale white - seethrough, and I could see the green grass in the backyard.

I was home.

I suddenly heard a cry coming from outside my bedroom door. Curious, I threw the covers off me and stood up, walking to the door.

When I opened it, I was suddenly outside, standing behind a woman on the ground, kneeling in front of a gray tombstone. She was covered completely in a black dress, and I couldn't see her face since her back was turned to me. Her body shook with cries, and I assumed she was here for the girl's name on the tombstone. I froze when I noticed the name and date carved into the marker.

Ashley Gray
November 7, 1993-February 11, 2015

I suddenly felt guilty and sad. I hadn't gone to my sister's funeral when she died. I hadn't even been to the cemetery after her burial. I had wanted to, but I had been too consumed in overwhelming sorrow and guilt, not allowing myself to fully believe that she had lost her life in the passenger seat next to me. I hadn't gone with Mom and Dad to pay my last respects to my big sister.

The woman on the ground let out another heartbreaking cry, so powerful it broke my own heart.

"It should have been you," The woman cried, and the voice made my heart drop to the ground, a lump growing in my throat. "You should be the one laying here, not Ashley!"

"Mom...Mom, how can you say that?" I asked her, tears falling down my cheeks. Mom knew it was an accident, she had defended me time and time again when Dad said the accident was my fault.

"Ashley was perfect. Such a better daughter and person than you," She hissed, standing and turning to face me. I'd never seen her so furious in my life. "Perfect grades, beautiful, kind-hearted. She was going to get married and have a family. Now she'll never have that chance and its all your fault!"

"No," I whispered, shaking my head. "I didn't mean to. It wasn't my fault. You know it wasn't."

"Of course it was," A masculine voice spoke, and I turned to see my father behind me. I continued to shake my head, crying, but he continued on. "We were a perfect family. You destroyed us, Natalie."

"I didn't mean to!"

"Excuses! I'm so sick of your excuses! Your sister is dead because of you! It should have been you, not Ashley!" He screamed at me.

"You're wrong." I whispered.

"No, they're right," Said two other voices in unison. I groaned in frustration, terrified to find out who else was against me. If one more person told me it was my fault... "You should have died with her, Natalie. You'd save us a lot of trouble." One voice said. I turned to see Ashton and Luke. The four people circled around me, and I found it hard to breathe. I was gasping for hair but unable to get any. I dropped to my knees, now choking out guilty sobs and cries of misunderstanding and anger and self-hatred. I was outnumbered and they were all right. Ashley didn't deserve to die that night. I did.

"Go figure. She's so weak she's on the ground. She should be six feet under it," A red haired boy stood next to Ashton now. I knew Michael didn't like me very much, but any other person against me felt like a stab to the heart. "So selfish, she doesn't even think of the others."

"O-Others?" I stuttered, confused. Suddenly, all the people huddled around me began to vanish one by one. My mother was the first to fade, followed by my father. And then Luke, and Ashton last. I pulled at my hair in frustration, wanting answers and wanting them now. I was left with only Michael.

"Michael, please," I begged, standing back on my feet and reaching out for him. My hand held his wrist, pleading with him for an explanation, an answer of some kind. He couldn't leave without answering. "I don't understand. Please help me understand."

"You'll never understand, Natalie," He replied, looking straight into my eyes. "Besides, it's not an answer I can provide you with."

I looked away, wiping my eyes, and I could feel him slipping away. I looked back up in a panic, ready to beg him not to leave me. Even if we weren't exactly friends, he was all I had.

Before I could speak another word, Michael was gone. I kneeled on the grass again, this time facing my sister's grave.

"I'm so sorry, Ashley. I didn't mean to. It was an accident. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, please forgive me. I'm so sorry." I sobbed out apologizes again and again and again, waiting for something, anything to happen. Waiting for someone to come back and tell me it would be okay. I needed someone to forgive me - to tell me it would all be better soon.

I just needed someone to be there.

*****

I sat up in bed, gasping for air. I was drenched from head to toe in sweat.

I blinked in the dark, trying to adjust. I looked at the clock, but couldn't see the red, glowing numbers through my own tears. But the sun wasn't up, and it was obvious that in this state, I'd wake Mom up.

I focused on bringing my breathing back down to a normal, steady rate, and then wiped my eyes with my sleeve after I'd successfully done so. Attempting to read the time again, I realized it was almost two in the morning.

I remembered every last detail of my dream, haunted by it. It kept replaying over and over in my head. I never even dreamed anymore, why did the one dream I remember have to be so horrible?

It was true. Ashley was perfect. Ashley was smart, beautiful, kind, loved, talented, funny, supportive and everything I could never be. Ashley didn't deserve to die, I did.

Without thinking, I silently slipped out of bed and walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me, locking it right away.