Thoughts

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by andieyano

by andieyano

Hi.

Do you know how hard it is to decide whether to fall for your sweetness or not?

We were friends. We were really close.

We exchange texts and PMs almost every home weekend. We talk about how our day was, what are our plans for the next day, what time are we going to sleep.

We talk about the last time we saw each other but barely had a conversation because some of your seminarian friends misunderstood our friendship-- they even labeled us that there's something-beyond-friendship between us. You were the one who told me that. And upon hearing it, because it might cause you trouble, I told you that I will distance myself to you. But, hey! You didn't want me to and told me to just ignore them.

It was all plain friendship and I liked it. I never had an older brother, so I am thankful because you acted like one. I share my stories with you. Even the story of how I cannot move on from my past relationship two years ago. (You know how much I am still hurting!)

When summer came in, you treated me differently than the usual. You say sweet words to me jokingly.

You care for me as if we are more than friends.

You always say our endearment as if it's like 'baby' or 'babe'.

I became confused. I should not look at those words and actions as from someone who might like me. "You are a seminarian. You are for the Lord. I should not take you away from Him. My feelings are very wrong." I keep on telling that to myself.

But as I keep on restraining myself for falling for you, I fell for you deeper.

Then the time came that I felt that I had to talk to you about it. I told you that I am confused with what I feel towards you. You didn't reply that night but greeted me the next morning as if you didn't receive my confession.

You became muuuuch sweeter and acted as if you are my boyfriend, at least through your words.

Of course, that made me think that you also feel the same way towards me.

But as a seminarian, you just cannot say "I like you, too" to someone.

Days later, you asked me what I liked about you. I cannot give certain reasons why, all I know is that I like our conversations and I feel special whenever we talk. I like your sense of humor, and I like how you wanted me to do better on my studies.

I thought everything is going to be fine. I thought someday you will also say that you like me too.

I thought my feelings were accepted.

But one day, you just stopped having communication with me. I heard not a single goodbye nor sorry from you.

We even saw each other in an activity which I was a part of the organizers and you were friends with the seminarian speaker. During the Q&A, I asked a question to the speaker but it was you who answered it. The way you answered my question was a bit rude. I found it rude. You contradicted my question. I never knew why you acted that way. It made me feel that I did something wrong to you and that was your revenge.

But I decided not to talk to you about it, unless you were the one to approach me.

A day before you have to go back to the seminary, I texted you. I said sorry for being selfish for confessing my feelings that might have affected your vocation. You said sorry too for being extra sweet to me.

For few months, I keep on disliking myself for confessing to you. I thought you were serious with your vocation.

Only to find out, you already have a girlfriend, even during the times that you were sweet to me.

Why didn't you just tell me that you cannot accept nor reciprocate my feelings? Why didn't you just disappear right after I confessed to you?

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SWEET AND OVERPROTECTIVE TO ME IF YOU MEAN THAT WE MUST STAY AS FRIENDS?

Do you know how many times did I convince myself not to tell you that I like you?

Do you know how hard it was to swallow my pride just to confess to you?

Do you know how much you've hurt me and all you can say is sorry for being extra sweet to me?

DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN TO ANYONE.