Finding Answers

Already Lost

Jake

Lost in the void

Of unnecessary frustration

Is the raging joy

Wishing to escape.

Provide a conclusion

Not an improvisation

For a dangling memory that will soon become

A hanging dream

Never accomplished.

--

Thirty eight minutes past ten and Tony still hadn't answered my texts.

After Ines tried sneaking us out, we were stopped by the school's cop and taken back to the office where, of course, both of us received detention. Tony's presence was nowhere to be found.

Both principal and vice principal Mr. Whatever and Ms...Salinas, I think, acted as though Tony never even got in trouble. His name didn't even cross their mouths. The only thing they could provide me with was 'We'll speak to you Monday, Jake'.

Now I sat here, on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and sending Tony ten texts a minute.

Hey answer the phone -Jake

Yet still, I didn't get any notifications.

Ines heard gossip as to why Gordon West didn't receive any punishment and the answer was as simple as ever: he wouldn't be able to even 'see' why. He had black puffiness swelling over both eyes, and a broken wrist, too, after Tony twisted it where it wasn't able to go. Everyone kept talking as though Tony had 'won' the fight.

And honestly, I couldn't be more pleased.

Tony I know you don't leave anywhere without your phone. Answer me. -Jake

His sister wouldn't have come home, I'm sure. Tony had mentioned that she was going to work in Seattle and seeing that Tony was a responsible enough teen to leave home, come back the next week. This left him with emergency money and, as he put it, this whole place to ourselves. We had plans after school. Star Wars marathon and enough junk food to last for days.

Of course, we had a change in plans.

Tick tick tick tick...

Before I lost my mind, my hands searched for a pen in my drawer, and a paper under my bed.

There was a little poem running through my head at school. Usually, Tony gives me the right to scribble words down on his skin, but since he was in pain, I felt that writing on him at the time wouldn't be the brightest idea. Once we get to my house, he stays still and lets me copy it all down. My memory can only go so far.

It gives me joy, really, when people start noticing how my words ink his skin. He never lets them read properly, because I always ask him not to, but it makes me feel kind of...glad, that someone will ask about them.

He's sort of a mobile art piece.

Tony -Jake

Answer me -Jake

I had to think of whether or not it would be safe to send him the next one.

I need to know if you're alright -Jake

It wasn't a lie. I did. I needed to know if Tony was okay. What if he...no, I know I shouldn't say this but...what if he had another mental breakdown?

Tony isn't the best at...stepping out of his comfort zone. Yes, I've seen him run after a train. I've seen him dive into a lake despite the clear DO NOT ENTER sign glued at every 3 yards surrounding it. But that's not what I mean. If it's a challenge, he'll gladly take another step, but if it's something a bit more...emotional, he'll whimper and whine without even moving his feet.

And I know that he didn't end up with tears and bruises just for the heck of it.

I just don't know why though.

You need to? -Tony

Seeing the words flash on my screen was a bit of a surprise, but I immediately messaged back.

Yes -Jake

Do I have to be honest -Tony

YES -Jake

Then no -Tony

Where did you go in the morning -Tony

Ines found me and tried to take me out of school but we failed. Where were you? -Jake

Why did you leave -Tony

I just told you -Jake

He stopped answering. After waiting a minute I tried texting him again.

Tony? -Jake

You dont just leave like that I was worried -Tony

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking at the time -Jake

I cried -Tony

What -Jake

I cried because you werent there and they had to take me home because I wouldnt let anyone touch me -Tony

Guilt crashed through my head and filled my entire body, leaving my dark skin pale and cold. I shouldn't have let Ines take me away, I should have just waited for Tony to come out...If I had just waited a little longer than I would have been able to help piece him back together and get him to calm down.

Oh because once you let him break, pieces upon pieces will never be found. The only thing I can do is glue up his messed up head and hope for the best.

I tried calling him, but he wouldn't answer the phone.

Let's talk -Jake

I don't want to -Tony

Why? I'm sorry I should have stayed but I didn't know if I had known I would have stayed -Jake

If you knew? No you should have stayed because youre my friend not because i could have attacked any bitch who came near me. -Tony

After another minute, he came back with this:

Come over -Tony

My confusion never ends with Tony Wilkinson. Decoding his mind is a problem I've been faced with ever since I knew what friendship was. Sometimes, I wish to take him apart and discover every little nook and cranny hidden inside his complicated machinery. Sadly, Tony is not a robot, but a living person I am forced to learn more about by experience.

I texted Tony back saying that since I got in trouble at school, she wouldn't allow me to get out of the house. Actually threatening, 'You're not going to breathe fresh air this whole weekend!'

Doesnt she have the night shift? What? Does she have cameras in your room? -Tony

Are you telling me to sneak out? -Jake

She wont even know you got out of the house -Tony

I'm not sneaking out -Jake

But of course, Tony doesn't give up. He provides improvisations.

Then I'm coming to you. -Tony