Imperfect Chemistry// Calum Hood

Chapter Ten

I was taught that the way of progress was neither swift nor easy.
–Marie Curie





After my first session with Calum, I require solitude to figure out how I could lose control of myself so quickly. Even though the sensations I experienced were pleasurable, I'm not sure how I feel about my own overwhelming and reckless behavior and even worse, I'm not sure what to do next.

I also realize after some introspection that when I began this journey, I honestly believed I would never become a slave to lust, like everyone else. I was convinced of my own superiority and that I would be able to control my feelings and observe them in a detached and clinical manner. Now I know that I'm no better and the thoughts shame me. Of course I'm not better. I'm human, and therefore as fallible as anyone.

After a day of analyzing, I haven't come to any conclusions other than confirming my own egocentrism, so I contact my brother Freddy for a turn at the shooting range. Out of all of my brothers, he's most like me. He's smart, but in a more artistic way. He's an architect and he's the only one of my brothers who isn't married. In fact, I suspect that Freddy is somewhat promiscuous, but that's not a topic I've ever broached with him, and I never will.

"I really don't want to hear about you making out with some dude," Freddy says, a counterpoint to my own thoughts about his love life.

I'm standing about ten feet in front of him, positioning my arrow and trying to focus on my stance and the target in front of me, so I can't immediately respond. I accidentally left my own bow at home, something I've never done before. I don't forget anything, ever. The bow I picked out at the range is a bit too tight, but I'm okay with that. It makes me work harder to pull it back before the release. Luckily, the indoor arena is fairly empty in the middle of the day in the middle of the week. There's only one other archer and he's on the opposite side of the large room.

Pointing the arrow at the ground, I place the shaft on the rest and then nock it into place, pulling the bow up and into position, bow arm pointed straight out and my other arm pulled back so my fingers are resting against my face. And again, for the one hundred and third time in the last twenty-four hours, I'm reminded of Calum and his hands on my face. Right before he kissed me.

I ease the fingers of my drawing hand and the arrow releases, shooting forward and hitting the farthermost ring of the target.

I relax my stance. "I never intended to tell you about making out with anyone." I face him. "You're the one who insisted I tell you what I was thinking. If you can't handle the answer, don't ask."

His response is a laugh. "You're really messed up, huh?" he asks.

I walk over to where he's standing and waiting for his turn. "I am not messed up. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't understand the things I'm feeling. I'm not used to expressing my emotions."

"Yep," he says. "You're messed up. You're not used to having emotions, period. But you always know what to do. And you never shoot this badly."

"Okay. Fine." I take a deep breath. "We've established that I'm 'messed up', so are you going to help me or not?"

He's staring at me, not speaking.

"Freddy?"

"You like this guy."

"He's nice." I shrug.

"No, you really, really like him. I have to meet him."

"No way." I shake my head. "I barely know him. I like him as much as I like anything I feel a faint fondness for. Like peanut butter. And you can never meet him because you'll do something to make him uncomfortable."