28 Years a Hero

2009:I

March 2nd,2009

A little over a year had passed since that day and things only seemed to go up. The harder life got the harder I fell for Jay Tyler. You think that after marriage falling in love, late night talks, surprises,and date nights were over but the truth is after marriage they only increase,at least with our relationship.

Jay was in the interview process of landing a job at firehouse #13,his father's, while working volunteer and working full time at the carwash. I still worked at the bar and volunteered as well. Although Jay's love was enough to sustain a burning smile on my face for years, it wasn't all sunshine and roses.

We laid in bed,all silent except for the quiet click of a clock on the wall,one of the only pieces in our home we could afford and bought ourselves. My hand rested gently atop Jay's chest,it rising and falling to the moment of his breathing.

A high toned beep tore through the barrier of peace and muffled radio noises sounded near my ear. Jay and I both shot up in bed and checked our pagers. It was Jay's. I checked the time, 01:28 and groaned plopping my head back onto its place on the pillow. I could feel Jay shuffling beside me,old springs creaking beneath us on the mattress as he dressed.

"Love you." He whispered bending down and kissing my temple gently grabbing his keys,by the tinkling sound of it and padding quickly out the door. Once the slamming of a door sounded and his truck driving off,I adjusted my position in the bed trying to fall back into the merciful arms of sleep. I couldn't it was now too cold. Running my hands over the spot where he slept I sighed at the fading body warmth wishing I could just hold him.

An hour passed and I still found my eyes open. It wasn't that I wasn't tired,I was plenty tired but I just couldn't sleep. It often was difficult when he left for a call for me to return to sleep,wanting to wait for him to return safely. Groaning I sat up and scooted to the edge and trudging off,a chorus of spring squeaks ringing from the mattress.

Walking to the bathroom groggily, I went to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test, the third one that week and seemingly the millionth one that year. Jay really wanted kids. I wanted it too but not with the burning desire he did. As much as I wanted them,a small concern pressed in the back of mind that if I got pregnant before I was hired onto a department my dream could be pushed back.

Washing my hands tiredly and taking the test with me out of the bathroom I set it on the counter,forgetting about it as I washed my face and got a drink. Suddenly I remembered the test and held my breath looking at it slowly. I swear my heart skipped two beats in that one moment.

"-" negative. Again. Tossing the test onto the bed in anger I grabbed a pillow,screaming into it in anger. A horrid battle cry against the world wondering  how it could be so cruel to me and to Jay,who would be an amazing father. After months of trying I had went to the doctor and they told me that I couldn't. I never told Jay about that appointment,it wasn't fair to him. He wanted a family so bad. So I still tried,striving in vain for some fertilization. Still nothing. Crying into the pillow for a while longer,tears unleashed liquid pain running from my body.

I needed a distraction. Walking to the kitchen I started to clean. Sweeping,mopping,scrubbing counters anything to distract me. I always did this finding small things to clean when I was upset. Once while volunteering at the station,we lost a patient I must have cleaned that apparatus twenty times the metal shined so bright you couldn't even look at it. I eventually found my miserable self at the sink,scrubbing dishes furiously.

I was so involved that I didn't even realize my husband had returned from his call and was standing in the doorway,back to the hall staring at me.

"Sky?" He asked softly obviously noticing I was acting different than my usual neutral mood. I didn't respond,continuing the cleaning flurry,scrubbing more intensely every moment. "Sky." He said more firmly,walking over quickly and putting his arms around me. I pushed him away. "What's wrong?"