demure ➳ phan au

one

Dan's POV

I was woken up by the alarm clock at 6am. On a Saturday. Guess who's procrastinated turning it off ? Great. I turn it off and go back to bed, drifting into deep sleep.

I open my eyes, all I can see is darkness. I can't feel my body, I feel like it's gone. I open my mouth, trying to let a scream out but it's not working, it's like someone took my vocal cords out. I suddenly see a glimpse of light, hearing dull footsteps, coming closer to me.

I wake up. Sweat is dripping from my forehead, my fringe is sticking to it, my whole body shivers. I can hardly breathe. Trying to calm myself I stay in bed for a while, watching the ceiling until I start to see patterns on it and until they are moving. My head is spinning. I check the clock again. It's 9am, I decide to get up, grabbing clothes and a towel I take a quick shower.

After showering I look at myself in the mirror. I look sick , my skin is pale, I have dark circles under my eyes and my eyes are lifeless. I loose myself looking into the mirror, I see how my hair slowly dries and starts to curl. Before getting an existential crisis I decide to go downstairs to eat something.

The stairs creak under the weight I'm putting on them by stepping on them. I know the pattern. The first, the fourth, the seventh and the last one creak while the ninth cracks when you step on it, someone should probably look after that. I mean, someone could just go upstairs and suddenly they will fall into a never ending void or whatever is under that stair. I push the thoughts about endless voids under my stairs aside and go into the kitchen.

While I fill a bowl with cereal I notice the silence in my home. It's kinda weird to actually notice silence because, well, it's just nothing that is noticeable right away. But once you do realise it, it hits quite hard. Sometimes it's that kind of overwhelming silence where you feel like your breath is taken away, sometimes it's that scary silence where you just feel uncomfortable and sometimes it's just nothing, it's no specific kind of silence. I think silence comparable to how I feel most of the time. I feel almost nothing most of the time, it's like my feelings decided to stop working, I'm just silent inside. But sometimes my kinda nonexistent feelings make themselves noticeable and either way it hurts so much I can hardly breathe and I feel like someone's put a ton of words that were never said because  of the silence on my chest. I just wait for the moment my rib cage will break and the words will crush my heart and the silence will be the death of me but so far that didn't happen. Other times I get so anxious over my feelings because I don't understand why I just don't feel anything most of the time that I'm scared to death. I feel like that's what dying must feel like and I think myself into a panic attack. I get panic attacks quite often at the moment. If the moment defines the last 2 years. I sigh. I wanted to eat some cereal to avoid an existential crisis and there I am, on the edge of another one. Good job Daniel, well done !

I grab my bowl of cereal and go to my room. I watch some anime while eating and I'm about to get completely absorbed by it when I suddenly hear my phone ring. I just decided to ignore it when it beeped again. While still concentrated on my television I stand up and walk over to my bed where my phone is silent now. I press the home button and it lights up. I've got 5 missed calls from my mum, a few messages from 'friends' of mine or better said, people I sometimes talk to in school. But then I see what made me stop watching anime. 2 new messages.

a/n: hello ! well.. if you are reading this that probably means you've read the first chapter. This is my first fan fiction on here so I'm still working on everything. Also English is not my native language so if there are any mistakes I'm sorry for that, I'll fix it.
However, it means a lot if someone's reading this so.. thanks