Don't Let Go

Drunk

After the conversation I had with Pau and the mess my mascara made, umalis ako kaagad. I don't want him to see me like that, so vulnerable. It's been a week pero hindi ko pa rin sya nakikita, actually  I'm hiding from him dahil alam ko na he's just going to brag na he knocked in some sense in my system. Well, he did but I won't admit it. Ayokong makuha nya yung satisfaction na gusto nya at yun ay ang mapaamin ako na,, after all this years I'm still hurting.

I sighed at the thought of it. God! I hate feeling like this! Pagtapos kong magpaka-emo, I hurriedly stood up from my bed para makapag-ayos na. Agad akong nagpre-pare ng food for me and Stan, my maid usually do all this things kapag may work ako but since it's saturday at wala akong pasok, I'll be the one to prepare. 

I already finished cooking everything that MY Stan wants to eat when I heard a door opened. I was about to turn around but his warm hug engulfs me from the back. I smiled widely. Hayyyy! I Love HIM So Much.

I turn around and kneeled down para magka-lebel lang kaming dalawa. I kissed his both cheeks repeatdely making exaggerated 'mwah' sounds. I heard him giggle.

"Sweetheart naman eh." He protested while giggling.

"Why? You don't want your sweetheart kissing you?" tanong ko sa kanya.

His face hardened. "What kind of question is that?" He snapped. "Ofcourse gusto kong kinikissan mo ako, gusto ko nga palagi eh tsaka gusto ko ako lang." He pouted. God! My son is so cute.. I love him to bits.

"hahahahha! Oh sige na po, gisingin na natin si Nay Minda para mamaya she'll go with us sa park. Sounds good?" I asked.

He nodded at hinila ako palabas ng kusina. Nay Minda is our only maid, sa totoo lang pamilya na ang turing namin sakanya kasi maid ko sya when I was just a little girl. Kaya naman after kong manganak, I immediately called my mom and dad para kunin na lang sya.. Sakanya ko lang kasi pwede ipagkatiwala ang anak ko since I'm running my own shits at hindi wala namang papalit sakin pag umabsent ako sa tra abaho.

After namin kumain at mag-ayos, dumiretso kami sa park which can be found here in our subdivision. Hinayaan lang namin maglaro ng maglaro si Beau since he's already 5, kayang-kaya nya na umakyat sa mga slides.

"Nay, what do you think? Should we celebrate Beau's birthday sa hotel para na ma-invite ko na rin yung mga friends nya or sa bahay na lang?" Tanong ko. Yes, months from now Beau's going to celebrate his 6th birthday. Time flies so fast, parang kailan lang sumisipa pa lang sya sa tyan ko.

"Naku nak! Kilala mo naman yang anak mo. Alam mo namang ayaw nyang masyadong madaming bisita tuwing birthday nya, diba? Kaya mas mabuti ng sa bahay na lang makakatipid ka pa." Payo nya.

Napangiti na lang ako. To tell you the truth, parang nanay ko na din talaga yan si 'Nay Minda. Bukod sa kasama ko na sya simula pagkabata ko ay sya lang din ang nakakaalam na I already have a son, syempre kasama na din si Pau nakakaalam. Kahit parents ko, they don't have any slightest idea na ang only daughter nila ay magulang na din. Alam ko kasi na it would break my mother's heart, lalo na si dad since I'm a Daddy's Girl. kaya minabuti ko ng wag ipalam pa sakanila, lalo na't kapag nalaman nilang the man who impregnate me, left me.

After ni Beau na maglaro, we just rested kasi paano ba naman inabot kami ng gabi sa park. My son is just so hyper, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Then umuwi na din kami, my son is drenched in sweat kaya I just changed his clothes at nilagay sya sa kasama nya, tulog na din kasi. I kissed his cheeks at dumiretso na sa kwarto ko with a wine bottle in my hand.

I stared at the four walls of my room. Kung nasaksihan ng lahat ang pagbabago ko, ibahin mo ang kwarto na 'to sya ang nakasaksi lahat ng paghihirap ko. I stayed in here when I was stil pregnant. Dito ako namalagi noon bago ako manganak at pumunta sa states. Yes, dun ko pinalaki si Beau dahil pakiramdam ko mababaliw ako pag nag-stay ako dito noon. Sabi ko sa sarili ko "I need to fix myself not just for me but also for my son." Pinilit kong ayusin yung sarili ko dahil it's not just about me anymore, may anak na ako, hindi pwedeng iiyak na lang ako ng iiyak habang-buhay.

I sat on the floor at sumandal sa glass wall. I can see the the city lights since the houses in these subdivision was built that way. Habang tinitignan ko ang malawak na lugar sa labas kung saan malaya ang lahat ay heto ako at nilulunod ko ang sarili ko sa alak.

My years were just like these. Laging ganito kaya walang karapatan ang kahit na sino na  husgahan ako for keeping a strong face infront of everyone. Ayoko na kasing masakatan dahil baka hindi ko na makaya pag nasakatan pa uli ako.

Kung noon, I would only cry myself to sleep habang inaalala lahat ng nanyari. Dati, I would just wake up witj red swollen eyes. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na magawa pa ang umiyak ng sobra-sobra. It just felt like nawala lahat ng luha ko.

Kaya naman ngayon, I would just drunk myself to sleep.. Ayoko na kasing makatulog at magising sa bathroom floor, sobbing and weeping na para bang namatayan ako.

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Hi Guys!! pagkalat nyo 'tong kwento na to para madami tayo.. hahahhahahaha!! oo nga pala, I would make the next chapter private kasi may SPG dun eh. haha! okay.. thank you :)