"So you're always like this?" I dared to ask him, even when my brain told me not to do so. The guy was the walking destructive machine. "Like what?" He challenged me.
"You know...Uh...cursing and...and always angry like someone stole your lollipop...
The next day for us was difficult. October 14th, today was the day Sam died. Today was the day I watched him die. From the passing years it became sort of a ritual for Aunt Lena and me. We would ignore everything around us, even each other.
We would ignore talking to each other, would be doing our own thing. Aunt Lena likes to stay in her room, getting out only for getting essentials like food or even a glass of wine. I on the other hand stay out of the house all day long.
I would get at 6 in the morning pack a backpack with food and drinks and some bus money and would go out wherever the road takes me. I would just keep on walking until I can't feel my legs, until I get too tired to think.
It doesn't matter how you heal yourself but it is important that you do. And as I walked, I walked passed an elementary school, a mosque and many more things. I watched people laugh, making faces and sharing moments.
I sometimes ask myself why it happened to me. And then I remind myself that people have it worse, that I have a person I can call family, I remind myself that it could've been me instead of Sam.
I nonchalantly rub my eyes as few tears fall from the corner of my eyes. After everything happened I went to a shrink for about four years. I talked about everything, how mom started behaving differently when dad passed away, how she grew more and more violent with time and how it all ended.
But never, not once I talked about Sam. His name never rolled out of my tongue out loud. I told myself I didn't talk about him because I wanted to keep him to myself, I didn't want to share him with anyone else.
But was that wasn't the truth, because deep down I knew I still fear that woman. I knew that she still have that control over me that she had eleven years ago. But I don't say it to anyone, especially to Aunt Lena because I don't want her to worry.
I realize I have so much to offer to the world but this condition I have has limited my world around two people. The irony is I can't even get mad about it. I can't hear people shout without having the feeling like I'm about to pass out. I walk a little more before I stop in front of a diner.
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I didn't know where I was or what time it is. I went inside the diner and took a seat on the corner, I was exhausted and hungry. Shortly a waitress came asked what would I like to eat. "I'll have a burger with extra fries and a milk shake please." I said.
She jotted it down and walked away with a polite smile. The wall clock showed that it was 10:30 in the morning.
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