The Monster Inside Peter Pan (ouat)//(Robbie Kay)

Chapter Sixty Five

Yes, I'm kind of jumping back and forth through time, but it's just because these are another set of Pan's letters.

5 years AAD

Pan's point of view

Alianna, my princess,

You told he to have faith, to keep hope, but with you gone, I'm afraid I can't. It hurts so much Alianna. God it hurts, knowing that you're not here with me, and it's all my fault.

Every day is a constant pain. Everything in this island reminds me of you. The beach where I taught you to fly, the training center where you'd beaten me in a duel. The memory still makes me smile. The way you'd stood up bravely for your brother, not caring if you got hurt as long as Ethan was safe. The fire that burning in your eyes burned even brighter as you accepted my challenge. At that time, I hadn't been in love with you, but I couldn't help but admire your bravery. The way you fought even though you knew that you couldn't win. That was, until you kneed me in the crotch.

I'm writing this letter now, probably followed with a hundred more, hoping that one day, you'll be able to read them.

I'm scared, princess. I'd never admit it to anyone else but I'm scared. What if the owner of the heart of the truest believer doesn't arrive to Neverland on time? What if when he comes, it's too late? What if I'm already dead, and you'll be forever stuck in eternal sleep? How about all the Lost Boys? They all miss you a lot, you should know that. But if I die, who will lead them? Where will they go if Neverland isn't safe for them anymore?  What about Ethan? All these thoughts are swirling in my head and I can't get them out, so I'm writing them on a piece of parchment, somehow hoping it would bring me comfort. Distract me from the pain. Bring me closer to you.

Every day is longer than the last. I wish time would speed up. Ironic really, since I came to Neverland to escape time, but I really wish the days would pass by faster.

It's been five years, or so they tell me, that you've been asleep. Jake won't let me see you. I almost killed him, but I thought of how you would react if you knew I killed your best friend, so I didn't. It's hard, you know. Hard not to lose my temper. I have this constant ache in my heart, and now my eyes are more frequently blue than green. If you came back right now, I don't know if you could even recognize Neverland. It once was a warm, sunny place, the vegetation green and abundant, the animals healthy and numerous. But now it's the opposite. The sky is cold and grey, almost always drizzling, and sometimes when the ache gets too much, a hurricane starts. That too scares me. I'd always been able to control the weather if I'd wanted to, even if I was sad. But now, it's too overwhelming, I can't even do that simple task.

I've always been short tempered, but now it's worse. I want to kill everything in sight. I want to hurt them, make them scream in agony. Why are they allowed to be happy when they were the ones who tore my happiness away from me? Perhaps it'll alleviate my pain. But I don't do it. I don't do it because of you. No, for you. I'm trying to be someone better, Alianna. Someone worthy of your love. I don't want to be a person that you love and fear at the same time. I don't want you to be afraid of me.

Oh god, life isn't fair. I know I've done horrible things in my life, and I probably deserve this suffering. I probably deserve much worse than this endless pain. But you didn't. You led such a beautiful, innocent life. But it was too short. Maybe you're being punished because of me. Your love for me isn't good for you, my soul is tainted, darkening your innocent one, and your punishment is to sleep eternally.

We got so little time together, it's not fair! I wanted to do so much more with you!

I wanted to show you the entirety of Neverland, all of its incomparable beauty, untarnished by age. Fly over it together, wind in our hair, your gorgeous smile on your lips, hand in hand.