Stay strong

Chapter One-

At age 5, she wants to be a ballerina.

At age 8, she wants to be an astronaut.

At age 10, she wants to be a teacher.

At age 13, she wants to be a doctor.

At age 16, she wants to be dead.

Sitting with my new therapist all I can think about is how did this happen? How did I let it get this far? I don't care anymore I just don't wanna be here. I'd be better off dead.

" So, lets begin." Lori starts, " what caused all this to happen? At what age did it all start?" I try to think back. Childhood. My father. My asshole sperm donor father. He did this to me. I remain silent and feel the pain in my throat. I can't speak without crying. I begin with " before I was born I knew I was unwanted... My dad wanted my mom to abort me and my sister. When I was two he cheated on my mom and took off."

I feel the my throat feel weird. I know I'm about to cry. I don't want to go any further. A tear falls from my eye. " we can stop there if you want" Lori says. " no!" I stammer. " I need to get this out, atleast the first part of how it started." So I continue on " my dad didnt want anything to do with me until I turned 5. I hated going to his house from the time I was 5 years old he abused me!" I yell and tears flow out of my eyes like a river at that point " it didnt stop until I was 13! Who can do that to their own kid!" I keep yelling to make myself feel better.

Lori knows just what to say to calm me down. She makes me feel calm. Like she's on my side, like she's my friend, that makes me happy. She's a very nice lady, maybe about 40 with long blonde hair and brown eyes, she's very pretty, she's not very skinny though but she reminds me of a mother figure which is just what I need right now. I need someone, anyone.

" there hasn't been a time I've actually been happy in a while" I continue, calmer than before. " I try not to remember certain things but I just can't seem to forget, I remember one time when I was 11 I was at a dinner with my family at my aunts house and my dad got really mad about something stupid." I feel tears in my eyes again and Lori gives me a look of comfort and tells me it's okay. " my dad pulled out his pocket knife out of his pocket and I felt the blade touch my side. It was cold. It hurt, so bad my own dad was doing that to me! I tried to push it away and he grabbed a fork and stabbed it into my leg." Tears start to fall from my eyes. " the whole time my cousins wife was across the table looking horrified. She had no idea what to do she just sat there in horror"

I tell her more about my dad and other incidents including weapons like guns and how he used those to abuse me. The more I talked the more Lori looked concerned. " Have you ever told anyone?" She asked. " dyfs was involved for a while and took me away from him" I took a deep breath. An alarm finally went off on Lori's phone announcing that the session was finally over.

" we made really good progress today" she says. " yeah.." I reply. I schedule my next appointment and get the hell out of there. I just wanted to leave. I had a long enough day I just needed some of a relief. But what could I do? ...