Stay strong

Stay strong 4

Chapter 4-

It's the middle of the night and I wake up shaking. I guess those meds just made me pass out. I crawl to the bathroom and puke my guts up in the toilet.

I feel so sick I think to myself. I crawl back into bed and go back to lay down.

Thoughts flash through my mind.

*age 6* my dad holding a guy to my head

*age 8* my dad shooting me with an air soft gun

All the names he's ever called me: worthless, fat, ugly, untalented, waste of space.

It all comes back to me in little skits in my head. I start to shake and cry. I just want them to stop I want it all to stop. Please. Please. Please.

I call Lori...as expected no answer, well no shit it's the middle of the night I tell myself.

You can pull through hailey you can do this!

I lay there thinking back. I really just don't wanna be here anymore. Everytime I cut I promise myself it will be the last time but I know it never will.

Every thought is a battle and every breath is a war and I just don't think I'm winning anymore

I stare at the wall blankly for what seems like hours before I get up and grab the blade again because for the moment I don't feel any of the pain anymore I just feel satisfied with the blood and with the artwork that I've done.

Cutting is how I express myself. Sometimes mean people say things and I can't hurt them so instead I take it out on myself and paint a beautiful picture on my arm with the blood.

I know it sounds completely insane but it's soothing to me it calms me down. Finally satisfied with my work I can go back to sleep.

So I wash off the blade and bandage my arm and lay in bed and just wish for this to be it. For all the pain and suffering to end here....even though I already know it won't...