After the concert, I start thinking. The crowd booing, my social media getting constant hate, and the hateful girl from earlier are all right. I don't deserve this. Why am I here? Why do they care? I'm not worth it.
"Hey, you look upset." Lynn says once we're back on the tour bus.
I brush it off for now and put on a fake smile. "Nah I'm good. Just felt bad for a second that I drank the last Diet Coke."
Lynn laughs and lays down on the couch. I pretend not to see her and sit on top of her. At that moment, I see Jaime look around the corner at me.
"Going for pizza, wanna come?" Lynn automatically screams yes and throws me off her.
I think about what the girl said and say to Jaime "I'm not used to this much driving and I don't feel so good. Maybe you could bring me back a bit or something but I'm just gonna sleep for a while."
Jaime frowns but doesn't push and leaves with Lynn. Just before she walks out of the bus, she turns back and winks. I blush for a good five minutes then I dig out my portable speaker and blast PVRIS. I sing along to every song and before I know it, they're back.
Jaime brought me half a pepperoni pizza. I eat a couple slices to make Lynn happy and immediately go to the bathroom. Since the music was still playing fairly loud, they didn't hear me getting rid of the calories.
I quickly rinsed out my mouth and took my spot next to Lynn and Katie. Lynn smiles and slowly drifts off to sleep leaning on my shoulder. Jaime appears and laughs at the sight of us and sits next to Katie. Katie shoves me and points toward Lynn. Afterwards she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. Jaime catches this interaction and suddenly his eyes widen.
"That would be so cute! She needs someone. " Jaime responds, pointing at Lynn.
I laugh and say, " Good to know I have my father's blessing."
The next song playing was Only Love and it was my favorite song. I sang along quietly, wishing I had a guitar. Katie taught me, but her aunt had destroyed her guitar one night while drunk. Better than hitting Katie, I guess.
Jaime watches me and doesn't say anything. He thinks he knows the sadness that must consume me, he knew my story. But it isn't that simple. Some people just aren't as strong as others, sadly. After the song ended I cuddled up next to Lynn and fell asleep.
The next couple months on tour went quickly with more or less no change in my daily activity. I flirted with Lynn, talked to Jaime, the guys, and Katie, and didn't eat. A couple times a week when I couldn't make excuses I would purge after I ate to keep the calories from my system. I stepped on the scale that December for the first time that week to see goal weight number three; 95 pounds. I wasn't losing this weight fast enough and I was still just a waste of space. I took my blade from the small makeup pouch I kept my eyeliner in and made 15 deep and long cuts up my side. One for every pound I needed to lose.
As I walk out of the bathroom, Lynn grabs me and pulls me to the couch.
"Cmon, let's watch a movie." She says and I laugh and cuddle up next to her. Lynn knew how to make me feel good. She was perfect.
I look up to hell her just this and find her looking right back at me. "Ana, I'm gonna be honest. I really like you." At that moment, Lynn Gunn bent down and kissed me.
