The Lotus ✓︎

Three

I ran my hands over the books I had checked out of the library earlier that day, trying to figure out which one I wanted to read first. I grabbed one and began to open it when I heard my phone vibrate. I sighed and looked at my phone, only to see Gabriel had sent me a text.

Gabriel: Hi ;)

I sighed and set the book down, grabbing my phone with both hands. I had come home from practice a few minutes ago after a long day at school. I had received odd looks from people, which I later realized was a result of my angry expression. All I wanted to do now was read the books I had gotten from the library and go to sleep. My homework had been completed in my afternoon classes.

It was amazing how much you could accomplish when you were antisocial and in a pissy mood.

I called Jazmyn while staring down at my phone. I didn't know whether or not to reply to Gabriel and needed someone to talk to. She answered after a few rings.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked me.

"Hi. He just sent a text to me saying hi and a winking face," I told her as I got off of my bed and walked around my room, grabbing another pair of sweats and a long sleeve.

"Have you replied?" she asked me.

"No. I don't if I should..." I trailed off.

"Well, if it's going to tear you down, then, no, it's not worth it. If you can talk to him without breaking down or your feelings consuming you, then feel free to reply. Do what makes you better, Heath. You deserve to be happy."

I sighed, knowing she was right.

"I miss the life I had last year," I confessed. "The only worry I had was passing my classes, doing good in sports, and getting through the day without tripping and falling on my face."

Jaz laughed but knew what I meant. My previous year of high school had been complete bliss compared to this year, both in and outside of school.

I heard something fall downstairs and dropped my clothes on my bed, all thoughts of a shower being abandoned. I said my goodbyes to Jazmyn as I ran downstairs and tried to find the source of noise. It took me a moment to realize the sound had come from the kitchen.

I ran into the kitchen and discovered my grandma cradling her hand and staring into the sink. I walked over, only to discover there was broken glass in the sink and my grandma had cut her hand with it. I assumed she had tried to clean it up.

"What happened?" I asked her, making sure to keep panic out of my voice.

"I tried to wash the damn glass, but it slipped out of my hand and broke in the sink. I tried to clean the mess, but cut my hand instead. It's okay. I can clean my hand up," she attempted to reassure me.

I stared at the hand for a moment before realizing it was the same hand she had burned earlier that week. I sighed in resignation and ran some warm water to clean her cut. There was blood all over the glass and I hoped the cut didn't need stitches. I gently cleaned her hand with the water before walking to the medicine cabinet and grabbing some rubbing alcohol and antibacterial ointment.

I slipped my free hand into my hers and poured some of the alcohol over her hand. She squeezed my hand in pain as it took effect. I felt bad that she had to deal with pain as she was already aging, but I didn't want to risk infection. As I worked on her wound, I realized it wasn't deep enough for stitches and the glass had needed a stronger force than a small drop in the sink to break the way it had. After sending my grandmother to the sofa, I examined the glass without touching and realized there were spider-like cracks in the glass. I realized then why the glass had easily broken.

My father had thrown it around before my grandma had even begun to wash it. I sighed as I carefully cleaned the mess. I put the broken glass into a separate bag and tossed it into the garage, being careful not to cut myself. I cleaned the sink with bleach and got my grandma some water before going back to my room to shower and study for an upcoming test. I sent a text to my brother and mom, wanting them to come straight home tonight and also apologized ahead of time to my brother in case any of his plans were being interrupted tonight. I didn't want to take any chances with my father before either of them were home tonight.

I found myself staring at the text Gabriel had sent and decided to reply to him. I was already falling apart, so it was pointless to try and ignore him. Did it really matter at this point if I indulged him?

Me: Hi. Did you need something?

After sending my reply, I grabbed my things and went to shower. While I waited for the water to get warmer, I checked my email and saw my counselor had emailed me back regarding my options for college. Even though I was only a junior in high school, I had to begin thinking about college earlier than most other kids because it was going to be a challenge, financially.

As I hopped in the shower and relaxed under the water, I thought about how big of a mess I was beginning to become. I was constantly complaining about my situation, feeling sad for myself, and was on the constant brink of giving up. Where had the determined girl gone? I was turning into my worst nightmare after Gabriel and I ended things. Thinking about that made the past come back to me.

I had a tough summer because my father had started drinking again and was also getting angrier as the days went on. I would meet Gabriel when I went on my runs or needed a breath of fresh air from the house. There were days I was left alone with my father and needed to get away from him.

I had stopped being as open to Gabriel as I used to be and that began to take its toll on our relationship. One night, my father had barged into my room when he was angry and took it out on me. He hit me, and I realized Gabriel deserved to know why I had been holding back because a relationship was supposed to be based on openness and truthfulness. When I talked to Gabriel later that night, he was angry and I let him vent because I wanted to know what he truly felt. It was then I realized he may not have felt the same thing he once did for me, so that night, we broke it off. I was in tears and my heart felt like it was being pulled from my chest and torn into pieces. Not wanting to be selfish, I had let him go. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized I loved him. My decision to keep him as my ex had added to me being one step closer to depression.

I turned the water off once I was done with my shower and dried off before I went through my routine. I knew my mom would be home soon, so once I was done, I walked out of my bathroom and pulled my hair back into a loose bun, tucking loose strands into it. I sat down in front of my computer and looked at my journal before I began to write. It was the only thing that seemed to keep me together these days.

After I finished my entry, I put it back in its spot and double checked to make sure all my homework was done. It was only after I got my school things ready that I looked at my phone.

Gabriel had replied and I didn't like his answer.

Gabriel: Yeah, actually. I want you.

I sighed as I typed in my response.

Me: I have to go. Bye.

I tossed my phone on my bed and walked over to the reading chair a cousin had gotten for me a few birthdays ago. I nestled in and began to read the book I had gotten earlier that day from the library. It was only five o'clock in the evening, so I had plenty of time to read through it.

An hour into my reading, I felt my eyes grow heavy. I resisted for a while, continuing my reading. Without meaning to, I soon fell asleep.