Before, I was one of you. Individualized, proud, creative, assertive, emphatic, depressed, happy and above all a misfit.
But when a new stage of schooling began, I took the opportunity to start a fresh. They say, you can't change your personality, you can't change who you are. They were wrong. Boy, how they were wrong. It would have been better if they'd been right, no matter how hard I would have protested against it.
I have changed. But the change was far beyond what I had planned or who I was at the beginning. In fact for all that counts, I'm everthing I had hated.
Juggling acts in real life, was not a good idea. In the end, I lost who I really was. Because there was no point in the existence of 'me' when the number of acts I needed began to grow. I disregarded all my thoughts, opinions and even feelings to follow my 'friends' around like a dog. They moved as a flock of birds. in fact they probably are a flock of bird. None of them varying too far off from another.
You'd think that was a good thing, though. A group of tight friends always sticking together. But that wasn't the case. Friendship in this case was a matter of expressing false concern and gaining the majority of people to back you up. It was everyone for themselves. Its ok if someone gets left behind as long as it wasn't you. It was always me, by the way. Because traces of my old self still remained. I had views that no one could understand. I didn't fret and sympathize in exaggeration over small misfortunes. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't be them. It felt wrong , pathetic and dishonest. Every minute I stayed with them made me feel inadequate and wracked me with guilt. I hated who I had to be to be with them.
Slowly, I became numb. After long treacherous periods of angst, guilt, sadness and frustration, everything suddenly felt distant. I didn't care anymore. I don't care anymore. I don't feel. At least not to the extent I could before. Everything feels like a movie being played on a tv on the other side of the street through a neighbour's window. Only bouts of intense fustration and anger manages to penetrate the walls around me.
Am I nothing? Or have I lost completely?
